A Little Flying Away with a Little Humor from God

A Little Flying Away with a Little Humor from God

 I heard some great preaching about flying away yesterday.  It won't be long 'til we all fly away.  I loved the scriptures Bro. Billy shared.  Isaiah 60:8, "Who are these that fly as a cloud, and as the doves to their windows?" 

The things going on in the world today are absolutely ridiculous.  It's very frightening.  To be honest, I  try my best not to think about all the crazy things going on.  It panics me, and then I feel like I need to take another anxiety pill, haha.  So I just try to focus on my own little world.  This probably isn't a very mature take on life, nor is it realistic, but I'm just being honest.  I know this:  I'm ready to fly away whenever that time comes.  And it's kinda scary thinking of the day Jesus will come back, if He comes before I die- not because I'm unsure of my faith- but because I just don't know how it's all going to go down.  It's going to be wild!  Just the unknown of it unsettles me. I just have to remind myself, He's got the whole world in His hands.  He's got this.    Bro. Billy shared another set of verses that paints a perfect picture of God being in control of ALL of this and how He's going to do some awesome stuff, " ⁶ For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:¹⁷ Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord."  1 Thessalonians 4:16-17.  These verses are so perfect to me in this time of utter chaos here on earth.  It's going to be simply majestic. 

So anyways...thinking back to yesterday- Bro. Billy introduced his sermon before we started singing and told us it was titled something like "I'll Fly Away."  I got to thinking- that's the last song my daddy ever heard me play.  I invited him to church one Father's Day night a few years ago, and I played that for offertory and sang a song for him.  Sweet memories. 

 

 Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Chorus
I'll fly away, fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

 

And in the midst of all the serious thoughts and grown-up problems we all deal with, I love the glimpses God shows me that He has a sense of humor.  I love that.  I love laughing, and I love being happy.  I like to find humor in life, to find something to make me laugh everyday. I actively search for funny things going on around me.  And then I share it with a ton of people to try to make them laugh, too, because I believe laughter can change the world.  Laughter and Jesus, that is.  :-)  Well, today I obviously lost sight of trying to find humor in my day because I just wasn't in a real delightful mood.  God obviously took note of this.  He decided to remind me that a day without laughter is a day wasted.  Anyone who knows me knows that this dog of mine and I have issues.  Sometimes major issues.  But today, God used her to put some humor in my day.  I came home to see her face in the window, waiting patiently for someone to play with.  Obviously at some point in the day, she got a little bored.  When I saw her running towards me, all I could do was laugh and laugh.  She literally had my brassiere on.  Seriously.  It was awesome.  And if this is too much for you, get a sense of humor.  For real. :-)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Happy Birthday, Dad!

 "Why should I be discouraged and why should the shadows fall?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home?
When Jesus is my portion, my constant Friend is He,
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

 

It's been a while since I've blogged, and I think to be honest, I just needed a break- a break from this heavy, load-bearing journey.  The journey of losing a parent.  It's. So. Incredibly. Hard.  So sometimes, I think a break is needed.  For survival.  For sanity. For growth.  But today is a different story.  I'm taking a time-out from my time-out.  I'm going to spend some time remembering, reflecting, and may even do some rejoicing. So here goes.  I think I'm going to just write a letter to my dad.

 

Hey Dad!  Today's your day!  (Okay, well it's really tomorrow, but I'm celebrating a little early.  You know I get too excited and always jump ahead of myself, ha!)  Happy birthday, Dad!  This is your second birthday in Heaven.  I can't imagine the celebration that you are having.  I know you are having the time of your life.  I know it's beyond your expectations and that you are so happy and so FREE!  You know, this Sunday, I played "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" just for you.  I was singing it as I played, imagining you with Jesus, Dad, singing these words- "I sing because I'm happy!  I sing because I'm free!  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me!" 

 

Oh, Dad, I miss you so much.  We all do.  While I wish you were here so badly, I can't be selfish.  I know that you are home.  You are right where God wants you to be, in His time.  I've struggled a lot the past year and a half since you've been gone.  It's been hard.  I've dealt with major sadness and such huge amounts of worry. I've let the worry consume me at times. A bunch of times. I'm so used to calling you and telling you all of my problems and worries, and you listening, showing your concern, and being there for me.  It's hard not to have you.  It's so hard.  But while I've gone through this hard, terrible process, I've also been learning to release control over these worries and problems and let God have them.  That's so hard, too, and I struggle with it, but I know that is what you would want me to do.  And I know it's something you struggled with, too, but you showed me by the way you lived your life that even though it's hard, letting Jesus have them is the only way to survive and to shine for Him.  I love that I discovered this in your Bible tonight. 

"Every time Satan causes me to stumble and fall.  Every time I am tempted and sin.  Jesus shows satan the wounds and tells him that I belong to Him!  Never will I be useless for I belong to the risen Savior."

 

This world is so crazy, Dad.  The sicknesses, the cruelty, the turmoil, the ungodliness of the world...it is heartbreaking.  And it's stressful. It's scary thinking that Cohen will grow up in this world. But while I'm here, Dad, I'm going to keep trying to shine.  Sometimes I lose my focus and I get distracted, but shine, I must.  This world needs light.  And Dad, "Never will I be useless- for I belong to the Savior!"  What a gift you were to us.  And what a gift you still are.  You are living on in us every day, Dad.  You inspire me to be a better Christian.  Your faith moves me.  I can't wait until we are all together in Heaven.  What a wonderful day that will be.

 

I was looking at one of your cards that you gave me tonight...

 

And you wrote, "Life just wouldn't be the same without you.  I love you so very much.  I know this is an exciting time in your life..." Well, Dad, right back at you.  Life isn't the same without you.  And I love you so, so, so, so much.  Oh, to be able to tell you again, and to wrap my arms around you one more time...But I know this is such an incredibly exciting time in your life.  The best time. 

 Goodnight, Dad.  Your baby girl loves you!

 

 

Today's God Wink- June 8

Summer time.  A season of renewal. A time to rest, relax, and rejuvenate. A time to rejoice.  It's what this girl has needed.   I seriously NEED this time.  My family needs it.  I need it to remind myself who I am, Whose I am, and what truly matters. I aim to reclaim and redirect.  So many re's...  But thankful for chances to start over.  Thankful for second, third, fourth chances. 

We started off with a bang- a spontaneous beach trip.  Literally last minute!  I love living like this- Impulsive should be my middle name! Usually, it gets me in trouble, but this time, we reaped the benefits.  It was such a fun, beautiful trip.  Exhausting, but wonderful.  Time spent with my mom, grandma, and sister-in-law, and the kids will be treasured forever.  I was especially delighted that my grandma got to come with us.  My grandma, of whom I have so much of her in me, who has taken me on countless journeys, making unforgettable memories- oh, how I love her.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't wait to watch the rest of the summer unfold, making more memories and spending time with my family.  We are so blessed.  But of course, I can't help but think as I do all of these fun, exciting things, that I don't have my dad to share it with.  I often think of him,  wishing I could call him to tell him about our fun days, or see his sweet smile one more time. 

We had an amazing group come sing at our church this morning- Adams Call.  The woman sang  "In the Shelter of His Arms," and it was breathtaking.  It was what I needed after thinking about my dad lately. 

 

The words:

 

 

 

When my soul was disturbed with sorrow
When my heart was burdened with sin
Jesus opened His arms of mercy
And tenderly took me in

There are storms that we all encounter
Do not fear they will do you no harm
In the Lord you will find protection
In the shelter of His arms

CHORUS:
There is peace in the time of trouble
There is peace in the midst of a storm
There is peace though the world be raging
In the shelter of His arms.

 

I'm so thankful for the shelter of His arms.  Today, for the first time, I took one of my dad's Bible's to church with me.  I probably shouldn't do it, because reading what he has written within the pages really stirs me up sometimes, but nonetheless, today I brought it.  So tonight, Bro. Billy opened with a verse and some thoughts about grieving the death of a loved one.  He quoted 1 Thessalonians 4:!3, " But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope."   God speaks, always.  It never ceases to amaze me.  I went to mark this verse in my dad's Bible, and I came across this:

 

 

Wow.  I'm again stunned by God's amazing mercy, to send little gifts like this to me during times that I'm really missing my dad.  I love this.  "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." And then Dad's words...If I should die before I wake... I mean, seriously.  How cool is this?  Right above a passage called "Our Heavenly Dwelling." I'm in awe that I have this priceless gift, this fervent reminder of my dad's unwavering faith. He knew where he was going.  He knew what was important.  And of course, ultimately, finding these words, both from my earthly father and my Heavenly Father, was an undeniable reminder of where my heart should be also. 

Thank you, sweet Daddy, for writing things down that I can cherish forever.  Thank you for giving us the best inheritance ever- the unwavering faith that we know where you are and who you loved.  Thank you for giving us hope. And thank you, my sweet Heavenly Father, for the ultimate book of letters and words of wisdom, for the perfect guidance for this crazy life.  Thank you for this undeniable God wink, as Mrs. Sharon calls them.   

 

Speaking in the Sweetest Moments

The thunder scared him earlier, and he came running to me. I asked him who was always with us when we're scared. He said,"Jesus, but He's not a mom." haha. It was a perfect opportunity to remind him that Jesus is far greater than mommy could ever be. And there's no doubt that all of this was perfectly orchestrated by Jesus to remind me of the same exact thing. My trust needs to remain in Him, not in anything else. He's far greater than any earthly fear or worry. It's a lot to grasp for a 3 year old. And far too often, it's a lot to grasp for this 32 year old. But I know who holds tomorrow. And I know who holds my hand. I'm thankful for a God who speaks to me in the sweetest moments, in the times just when I need Him most.

Journeying Through

 

I will not be shaken.

 I'm shaken everyday.

 

I will run and not grow weary, the race that is set before me.

I stumble over myself, exhausted, coming in last.

 

To the cross I cling.

Sometimes my grip is far looser than it should be.

 

On Christ the Solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand.

My ground is a tad bit sinking.

 

He will cover me with his feathers.

I keep sneaking away from His protection, venturing out on my own.

 

Just shine.

There's a burning light, but is it for Jesus?

 

More than anything, I don't want to be a fraud.  I don't want to write about my love for Jesus, yet my life reflect otherwise.  I feel like I'm being torn lately- between what is right, what to do, and how to reflect Jesus' love and grace in the midst of it all. 

I'm not perfect; I have lots of flaws.  But I thank God for his mercy and his grace.  For his redemption.  His forgiveness.  For his new chances.  Great is his faithfulness.  Morning by morning new mercies I see. 

 



 I know God's constantly busy writing the story of our lives.  Actually, I'm pretty sure He already wrote it a long time ago, but regardless, we are living out the story.  But how do we know we are on the right path?  How do we know that the journey we choose is the one He desires for us to travel?  What if it's time to change chapters?

 

I've prayed so hard lately for God's peace, for a sign that everything is as He wants.  I pray constantly that I live my life for Him. I want my life to be more than just words on a page. But is this part of the plan?  To weather these storms and to experience these situations?  Is it preparing me for something bigger, something more revealing?  Or am I silencing God while He tries to speak to me because I want what I want and that's hard to give up?  How to know the difference.  That is the million dollar question.  I pray that courage will find me.  I pray that I will allow God to speak to me, to show me His desires for me.

 

 Just be still.  Be still.  And know that He is God.

 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10

 

 

 

 

 

The Peace of God Will Guard Our Hearts

There's a little piece of my heart that always hurts.  Not a day goes by that I don't think of my dad.  Not a day goes by that I'm not overwhelmed by a deep sadness.  Sometimes the overwhelming sadness only lasts a few seconds, sometimes just a few minutes, but nevertheless, it comes every day.  Every. Single. Day.  And when it comes, I feel like my heart is being squeezed so tight, and it just hurts.  It aches. 

 

If I had another chance... the things I'd do differently.  Oh boy, would I try to be a better daughter.  I'd be more. It breaks my heart that my time with him is up.  Has been up for over a year.  It breaks my heart that Cohen will never know him.  Even over a year later, I'm still so shocked that I'll never see him again.  I'm not even kidding.  It's surreal to me.   

 

This year has definitely had its fill of stressful times, and I'm so quick to become wrapped up in anxiety. It's a major weakness for me.  In the back cover of one of my dad's Bibles, he has written, "Anxiety is mark of spiritual insecurity."   Ouch. But so true. I've covered my desk at school with Bible verses, and one of those verses is Philippians 4:6-7, " Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."  This is one of my favorite sets of verses.  The peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts.  Those words are full of amazing comfort.  As I was reading the verses tonight, I was drawn to the verses below it.  "Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable- if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things.  Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me- put it into practice.  And the God of peace will be with you."  I love these verses.  May I set my mind on the pure, the praiseworthy, the lovely.  May I find the good in everything I do, in everyone I encounter. May I dwell on the good, sweet, loving memories of my daddy.   May I give second and third and fourth chances, with a forgiving heart and a loving attitude. May I find the light of Jesus throughout my day.  May my whole life be about Him.  Finding Him throughout my day. Finding Him on good days, and then searching for Him relentlessly on the bad days.  For He is good.  He is right.  He is pure.  He is admirable.  He is lovely.  May I be like Him. And then, through these things, the peace of God will surround me. 

 

Easy to write about, easy to want to be like this, but hard to do. So, so hard to do.  And I will fail.  But luckily, He is forgiving.  Full of forgiveness. 

 

Burn bright. Shine. As Cohen is so fond of saying these days, that's our only choice.  Just shine.  I pray that I allow God to make me more like the verses above.  Mold me, create me, help me, and forgive me for falling short over and over again. 

 

I miss my daddy.  As I wrote the words at the beginning of this, I could feel God tugging at my heartstrings, gently reminding me that although my earthly father is no longer here, He is.  He's here, willing to give me another chance, and another, and another... to do things differently.  To be more. To be more like Him. 

 

All of me.  He wants all of me. 

To Be Like Noah...

 

It has been raining for hours.  Nonstop.  Cohen ran to me saying, "Mommy, we need to build an ark like Noah."  :-)  It got me thinking about ole Noah.  Noah, a righteous man, blameless among the people of his time.  And he walked with God. (Gen. 9:1)  I wish those words could be said of me. Noah's faith is astonishing to me.  Hebrews 11:7 states, "By faith Noah, being warned of God of things not seen as yet, moved with fear, prepared an ark to the saving of his house; by the which he condemned the world, and became heir of the righteousness which is by faith."  So Noah was basically just amazing.  He followed God, trusted God, witnessed to the people around him about God, he lived for God.  And he raised his family to follow God as well.  His wife was there helping, along with his sons. 

 

God invited Noah into the ark.  Genesis 7:1, "Go into the ark, you and your whole family, because I have found you righteous in this generation."  And just like God saved Noah from the flood, He saves us today from the darkness of this world.  The Bible starts out in Genesis with an invitation to be saved, and it ends with an invitation to be saved.  Revelation 22:17 says, "The Spirit and the bride say, "Come!"  And let him who hears say, "Come!" Whoever is thirsty, let him come; and whoever wishes, let him take the free gift of the water of life." 

 

This invitation is for anyone.  That verse says WHOEVER wishes.  We all need Him.  We need a Savior.  We need Jesus.  And those of us who have Jesus already, we need to be little Noahs in this dark world.  Living for Jesus, walking with God.  Warning the people, just as Noah did.  Doing God's work, in the midst of ridicule and cruelty.

 

Our world today couldn't be much different than the world that Noah lived in before the flood.  It's full of evil.  We need God to be our refuge.  As I was flipping through my dad's Bible tonight, the verse about God being our refuge and strength, a very present help in times of trouble, was on my mind.  I looked at where the bookmark was in his Bible, and it was on the page of Psalm 16:1.  He had marked a little * next to this verse, "Keep me safe, O God, for in you I take refuge."  This is a true story, too.  I had been praying, asking God for a glimpse of my dad today, and He provided.  I love how God works.  I love it.  And I'm so glad He's my refuge.  My hiding place. 

 

I pray that I will be more like Noah this week.  That I will walk with God more.  That I will be a wife of faith, a mom a faith, a teacher of faith, a friend of faith.  I pray that I will be what God desires me to be.  All of me.

 

I'm reminded of this old spiritual:

 

"I want Jesus to walk with me
I want Jesus to walk with me:
All along life's pilgrim journey
I want Jesus to walk with me

In my trials He'll walk with me
In my trials He'll walk with me
All along life's journey
I know that Jesus (Jesus walks with me) will walk with me ."

Demands My Soul, My Life, My All

Love So Amazing, So Divine.  Demands My Soul, My Life, My All

 

I read a blog today about a girl who started blogging after her dad died.  She called it her self-therapy, and the way she described it pretty much summed up how I feel.  During the year after my dad died, I feel I have poured myself and my grief into this blog, turning this process into a tangible product that I can look back on for years to come and see how God was working in my life through this time.  

 

It was December 2012 at one of our Bunko meetings that we were discussing blogs, and I decided that night even though I knew nothing about blogging, I was going to start writing one.  I figured surely I had something to say.  So I wrote a couple of them...deciding I didn't have much to say after all.  But then in February 2013, just 2 months later, my dad died, and God showed me that he had a plan for this blog after all.  He has allowed it to be an integral part of my grieving process, experiencing emotions and pain like I've never had to before.  But through this, He has provided the relief, the healing, the sounding board that I so desperately needed, right through this keyboard, onto this screen.  He orchestrates, y'all.  He never stops orchestrating.

 

I haven't blogged lately, not because I'm through feeling sad about my dad, but simply because blogging about this is exhausting.  It wears me out.  The relief I get when it's finally over can't be put into words; it's definitely healing.  But still, it's simply exhausting.  I've been so tired from life lately, that I just can't handle it. My mom sent me this quote that she read, "Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith...it is the price of love."  How beautiful.  How true. 

 

For the past couple of weeks, I've just been sick back and forth with all these different things.  I think I'm better, then, BAM! It hits me again.  I'm pretty sick of it, to be honest.  Everyone always says you just want your momma when you don't feel good.  Except when you don't have your dad anymore.  Then you just want him.  At least that's how I've felt lately.  Not that I don't want my momma.  Nothing is like my mom's love.  But not being able to call my daddy...that's tough. 

 

So of course, when I'm down and out, I read his Bible.  Read his notes.  Read his thoughts.  And that leads me to His thoughts- the ones I'm supposed to be dwelling on.  Man, I need Jesus.  I need Him more, I need to be focused on Him more, consumed with Him more.  This world is so great at getting me sidetracked...it's ridiculous.  Before I know it, my day is over, and I've lost sight of my mission.  To shine. 

 

 I played a song yesterday- "The Wonderful Cross"  and it has "When I Survey the Wonderful Cross" mixed in with it.  I have a strong love for hymns.  They speak to me.  If you've ever read my blog, you know that before I play my song on Sunday, I always look up the words to the song even if I know them by heart...just to remind me of why I'm playing and Who I'm playing for.  The last stanza of "When I Survey" is astounding to me.  It moves me. "Love so amazing, so divine.  Demands my soul, my life, my all."  His love demands my all.  And that's simply all there is to it. 

 

That last stanza has resonated in my mind for almost 48 hours straight.  Then tonight I flip open a journal my dad has written notes in, and this is the page I see, written by him.  "To know God, I must study Jesus and His teachings.  God's creation is not to be worshiped.  But God is.  Jesus has fulfilled all.  You will never study too long.  You will never learn enough.  Has God worked in your life this week?  My life is not about what I want.  It's about glorifying the Father through Jesus.  The Holy Spirit will guide me.  But I must surrender my life to Him."  He has referenced at the top of the page John 14:6-25.  My favorite part of these verses:  "The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.  But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.  Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me.  Because I live, you also will live." 

 

God never ceases to amaze me...how He shows Himself to me in the quietest moments.  He's got this.  He's got the whole world.  All in His hands.  And His love demands my soul, my life, my all. 

God's Orchestrating All the Time!

This is the day that the Lord hath made.  Let us rejoice and be glad! 

I've been humming this all day; my heart has been just a little bit lighter, my soul just a tad bit calmer.  We go through these trials...we go through our ups and our downs, our little roller coasters of life... so to have an up after such a long down is something to write about.  I don't know how long it will last, but today I will rejoice in it.  I have so much to be grateful for, to love my life for, to be excited about.  I'd like to say I will dwell on these things from now on and not let anything else come in the way, but that's just not realistic.

 

But to focus on a few things I can write about...that's easy.  I was thankful for my brother calling me the other night and being so sweet to me.  After reading my last blog, he told me that I'm a light that shines for him every day.  It's the nicest thing he's ever said to me, haha. 

 

And my mom...her encouraging words are never ending.  Her love is boundless.  Just what a mom should be.  To have a praying mom, one who loves her children so, is a blessing I'll never take for granted.

 

But to have my husband...he's my rock, my heart.  Full of love, full of patience, full of funnies to always cheer me up- that's him.  I'm greeted by a sweet text or a sticky note on the counter almost every single day from him. There's rarely a day that goes by that he skips this. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.  

Then to have my friends at work.  Oh boy, do we have a good time.  We know how to laugh.  And that's what makes the world go round.  We have to laugh to survive.  A day without laughter is a day wasted.  (And these pictures remind me, girls, that we need a picture of normal every day wear, haha!)

 

My sweet little boy.  My superhero. The one who draws A for mommy, and A's because she's awesome...

 

 

It's been so apparently clear to me lately how much God orchestrates every little part of our lives.  All these people He's put in my path, and all the people I haven't even mentioned (cause trust me, there's a whole lot!) are all here by His design.  When  I'm overwhelmed, He reminds me that He's right there.  By a funny text from an unsuspecting friend (not knowing that they are being used to cheer me up), by sweet words from Cohen's mouth (because honestly, where did the "A is for awesome and that's my mommy" come from except from God?), by silly little Facebook videos that happened to highlight my status as 25 years I've been a Christian, by sweet words that I'm being prayed for, by Mr. Don's "Amen" every single time I play the piano at church, no matter if it was great or awful,  it goes on and on.  God takes care of us.  Through each other.  That leaves me with one last little funny to put a smile on your face. 

 

Apple of His Eye

Today marks one year since I've heard my dad's voice.  One year ago today I talked to him for what would be the last phone call we'd ever have.  I know I shouldn't get hung up on dates, but right now, that's what is real to me.

I've been in a slump lately.  It's been pretty bad.  It happens to all of us at some point, at least I like to think it does, but lately, I just can't snap out of it.  I'm overcome with darkness; my light has been extinguished- well, maybe not "extinguished," but it's absolutely positively dimmed quite a bit.  It pains me to feel this way; it pains me that I cannot stop.  I've been robbed of my joy- it's been replaced with anxiety, worry, sadness, fear...  I can't get it to stop.  It's Satan's best attempt to yank me down, and the pull is so great, so fierce, that I find myself letting go.  It eats away at me, nags at my soul, wears me down, down, down.  Deeper, deeper, deeper.  I can't get it to stop. 

I tell myself to get over it, stop acting like this, just stop!! I ask myself why?  Why won't it stop?  I tell myself to quit being so ridiculous.  Outwardly, I see the foolishness of the way I'm feeling, but inwardly, I can't stop.  I just can't stop. 

It's been a long while since I've felt this way.  I thought I was past it, never to invite this feeling to come again, but it snuck in.  Uninvited, unannounced, unwanted. 

I hear God whispering to me, wanting to comfort me.  I know He's there, waiting on me to succumb to Him, to rest in His peace.  On the way home from church Sunday night, K-love had a special guest speaker- of course, he was addressing mental illness, including depression and anxiety.  More people suffer from mental illness than diabetes.  He spoke of how Christians are hesitant to talk about these problems for fear that it shows a lack of faith in God, but he stressed how we as Christians NEED to share our battles with others.  We need to know we're not alone. And the Bible is full of examples of those that were down and brokenhearted.  God loves us, and He's here to rescue us.

I was reading in Deuteronomy earlier- verse 31:8- "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  It pretty much says it all.  I flipped the page to verse 32:10 and was instantly reminded of a great friend and this verse that she shares with so many- "In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste.  He shielded him and cared for him: he guarded him as the apple of his eye."  How special is that- we're the apple of His eye.  To be the apple of God's eye can make anyone feel a little bit of joy, especially for this girl.

It's against my nature to be sad and down.  It sucks the life out of me to worry constantly, especially over every little thing.  It makes me physically feel bad to overanalyze everything I say and every choice I make.  I get mad at myself for worrying so much and for letting it overcome my life.  This is a problem that I'll probably deal with the rest of my life because it's a hereditary problem on both sides of my family.  I've made it through quite a long time on my own dealing with things pretty well, and I'll be okay soon enough.  We all fight these things from time to time, but as long as we know and remember, " I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  I have no doubt I'll snap out of it soon; after all, I have a light that needs to be shining. 

As I was researching Bible verses tonight, I stumbled across this video someone made and it has Josh Wilson's song playing- "Fall Apart."  The video is full of God's promises and was another gift from Him tonight.  He never ceases to amaze me.  The link to it is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kXOEZJyqdsg

Drawing Nearer

2013.  What a year it's been.  It's been a year of laughing, learning, loving, nurturing, mourning, growing, changing.  I've learned more about life this year than any other year.  Not all of it good, not all of it bad. It's been a mixture.  Am I satisfied?  No.  In fact, I'm kinda ashamed of how little I've accomplished this year.  I have a lot more learning to do.  I'm ready for 2014, ready for a new start.  I'm ready to be more, to do more, to love more, to accept more, to pray more...to shine more. 

I want to be able to say at the end of the day that it is well with my soul.  I want to be able to know that I surrendered all. I want to walk with Him and talk with Him.  It's so hard to do these things, though.  So hard.  And I continually fail. Over and over again.

One of my favorite hymns is "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing," particularly this verse:

 

 O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

 

How easy, how beautiful to sing those words- here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it.  It's melodic; it warms my soul.  But I can't just sing it, and I can't just play it- I must actually do it.  I must give my all to Him. It's the key to happiness.  It's the key to life.  It's the key. 

 

"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." Psalm 73:25-26

 

Thank goodness for a God who gives second chances. And third and fourth and 3, 201 chances.  And however many I need.  And if He can so easily give us chances to redeem ourselves, surely we can give each other chances, too?  Chances to be better to one another.  To love deeper, to forgive easier, to live better.  Surely. 

 

"But it is good for me to draw near to God:  I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all they works." Psalm 73:28

 

In 2014, I want to just draw nearer. Nearer to Thee. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take Off the Grave Clothes!

"Am I worthy to stand in the presence of God? By no means!  I am a sinner saved by Grace."

 

Teresa gave me one of my dad's study Bibles about a month ago, but my heart hasn't been ready to open it and look through it until tonight. When I opened it tonight, the sentence above was written on one of the pages- my dad's handwriting on the page of Luke 18.  I was looking for a sign from God tonight, something to comfort me, something to fill me with peace. And He delivered.  How comforting, how amazing, how affirming, to read my father's words on the pages of my Father's words...proclaiming his salvation- right in front of me. I know without a doubt that my dad is in Heaven, always have.  That's never been an issue.  But it was a sweet, sweet reminder from my Heavenly Father of my dad's strong faith.  Of his relentless hope of salvation.  It was a gift this girl needed on the eve of Christmas eve.  

 

My heart aches in the death of my dad.  It literally aches.  It's rare that I speak of his death out loud.  Very rare.  I can't. I literally start crying every time I speak of him, and it's too much for me.  But a few nights ago, I told Michael that his death is just unbelievable to me.  It doesn't seem real. 

 

 Looking through his Bible tonight helps me.  Seeing how he placed little dots under each individual word of John 4:41 ("And because of his words many more became believers.")  makes me proud that he was my dad.  A God-fearing, God-believing, God-seeking Dad.   

 

Flipping the pages, I see some more notes he's written on the pages of John 11.  The passage is about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  My dad wrote on the side of the page, "Has your life turned upside down?  4 days dead!  Jesus can still work it out!"  So yes, Dad, my life has turned upside down.  And you're right- Jesus is going to work it out.  After all, he performed the miracle of raising a dead man back to life.  No matter what we go through, whatever trials come our way, Jesus will still be there.  He's still in the business of loving us, protecting us, and guiding us.  He can still heal our broken hearts. My hope is in Him.  I'm so blessed that I know that he's at peace. 

 

I'm thankful for my Savior, for giving me the parents that He did. This Christmas, I've experienced the birth of Jesus in a new way because now all the people I equate with the nativity and the birth of Jesus, I imagine my dad meeting in Heaven, talking with them, getting first-hand reports of how it all went down that night in Bethlehem so many years ago.  My dad is with these people now.  That's amazing.   

 

Last Christmas was a really hard Christmas. Cohen had the flu, so we couldn't leave the house.  We were stuck at home.  I remember texting my dad telling him we wouldn't make it over to his house, and I was sad to miss out on all the festivities.  But later on, he and Teresa came over to see us.  It made our day to visit with them, and had I known that would've been my last Christmas with my daddy, I would've relished in it even more, taken more pictures- this time making sure I got some really great ones of my dad with Cohen.  I had no idea that he would be gone from my life just a month and a half away.  No idea. 

 

 I pray for healing for our family this year.  But when I think of us, I also think of so many other families that are hurting, that are experiencing loss and sickness, and I pray that we can all help each other through these times.  We need to show God's love and be His light to one another. 

 

The last sentence my dad wrote on the page of John 11 says, "Take off your grave clothes!"  I think it's his way of saying to me to not be consumed with grief. Rejoice in his life.  But also rejoice in his everlasting life.  It's okay.  It's going to be okay.

 

O, come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.

We'll give Him all the glory, we'll give Him all the glory, we'll give Him all the glory, Christ the Lord.

Goodnight, Sam.

Christmas.  Almost a week away.  With all the decorating, shopping, and to-do lists to make it a magical Christmas, my heart isn't in it all the way this year.  I'm just so sad to have Christmas without my daddy.  The first one in 32 years.  Without him.  But I feel him everywhere.  I think of him always.  Oh, how I miss him. 

 

Sunday was the first time in a several weeks that I really felt that overwhelming sensation as I played the piano of a connection between me, Dad, and God.  Sometimes, in the stress of everything going on, I lose my focus, but this week, God grabbed my heart as I played.  Grabbed it.  And it was one of those powerful moments that we had that just made me be still.  I need those moments more.  I was playing "What Child Is This?" and I could see so clearly a vision of my dad visiting with sweet Mary and sitting quietly with her as I played, them reflecting on that miracle that happened, that changed the world. The miracle of Jesus' birth.  My dad is up there with them right now.  I wonder what their celebration is like, their celebration of the birthday of our King.  I bet it's amazing.  And Dad is getting to experience it for the first time with the key players.  The stars of the show.  How amazing! 

 

And tonight he's getting to experience it with his best furry friend.  Our dear sweet Sam.  It broke my heart to get the phone call from Teresa that Sam died today.  Truly a man's best friend.  A loyal, loving companion that's walked by Dad's side for many years.  A dog that brought him comfort, joy, and lots of love. Unconditional love, through good times and not so good times. It's just heartbreaking to say goodbye to something that meant so much to my dad.  Who knows if pets go to Heaven, but I'm going to believe that they do. Why not?  What's the harm in it?  I did look up some scriptures about animals, and found some promising ones, like this one-
"And every creature which is in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying. Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever." Revelation 5:13 

 

It feels as if another piece of my dad has died today.  To some, that may be silly, but I'm sure the number of people that understand what I'm writing far outweighs the ones that don't.  We love you, Sam.  You were a dear, fun dog.  A beauty.  May you rest in peace and walk the streets of gold with Daddy for the rest of your life. 

Thanksgiving 2013 (Just pictures from our day!)

Psalm 95:1-6
"O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms. For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods. In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

 

I have to go light on the blogging today.  Nothing deep.  Just pictures from our day.  I wish I had gotten more.  There's always tomorrow! 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

 

Evermore and Evermore (A Thanksgiving Tribute to My Dad)

 

¹⁶ Rejoice evermore.

¹⁷ Pray without ceasing.

¹⁸ In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

Rejoice evermore.  Rejoice now until the end of time.  Forever.  Not just when I feel like it. Not just when times are good.  Yes, rejoice in the great times.  Rejoice in the amazing times. That's easy, Ash. But rejoice in the sad times.  Rejoice in the troubling times.  Always rejoice.  Evermore and evermore.  The word evermore in this verse makes the old hymn pop in my mind, "Of the Father's Love Begotten."  And that, of course, is why we can always find something to rejoice about.  No matter what, we've got Jesus to rejoice in.

 

 "Of the Father’s love begotten, ere the worlds began to be,
He is Alpha and Omega, He the source, the ending He,
Of the things that are, that have been,
And that future years shall see, evermore and evermore!"

 

This season of Thanksgiving is different than other seasons because this year it's minus Dad.  It's hard for me to rejoice in that. I rejoice that he's with Jesus.  But there's an ache in my heart that he's not here getting ready to fry the ole turkey.  He was so good at it.   Worked so hard to get everything cooked just so and make us all happy.  And he could cook, boy, could he cook!  I had no idea that last year would be my last Thanksgiving to see him.  No idea.  I try to be strong, I try to pray, I try not to cry. But I'm no good at it.  

 

I rejoice that in the midst of my bizarre dreams, God gave me the gift of a visit from Dad in one of them this week.  He was just driving by, rolled down his window, and yelled out, "You're doing a great job!" He had a big ole grin on his face.  Thank you, God, for sending him to me.  Thank you. It woke me up crying, missing him, made me so sad, but it also made me feel like I'd just gotten a big huge hug from my daddy.  Oh, I wish I could have one more hug.  Just one more. 

 

I pulled the shadowboxes off the wall today to just read his cards.  I needed to feel close to him. 

Ashley,

This life is full of problems and worries.  Many of which you are beginning to experience.  If I had my way, you would never have any worries or problems.  I am writing this to share with you how very special you are to me.  When I see all the problems and worries that come my way, sometimes I get very discouraged.  But when I see you, I see something very beautiful, something that makes me very proud to be your father.  In you, my little girl, I see hope.  I see in you a life that brings joy to everyone you touch.  I see a deep, deep love for people in your life.  I see God using you to bring peace and love to the lives of those whom you meet.  You are very special!

If my life were to end today, I want you to know that you are a very special blessing to me.  If I live for fifty more years, then every day I will praise God that He gave me such a very special little girl.  My one wish is that you will always know that I am available to you.  I pray that I will always be a father that you will be proud of.  That is my dream.  My hope is that you will continue to let your light shine before this very dark world. 

I love you. This love will never fade away.  You are in your daddy's heart forever.
To my special girl,
Your Dad

In this season of Thanksgiving, I give thanks for so very, very much.  I'm more than abundantly blessed.  And so loved.  But today, I'm beyond thankful for the gift of his words.  For the gift of his love.  For the gift of being so treasured by him. Today, I thank You, God, for my dad.  Thank you.  I rejoice that I had him for 31 years, and that You have him for all eternity.  Evermore and evermore.

He Makes All Things Beautiful in His Time

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1- 14

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

 

Beautiful words.  There's no competing with them, so I shouldn't even attempt it, but it's been a while since I've blogged.  So here goes.

 

I'm just picking a few to talk about from the verses above.  A time to mourn.  A time to weep. Well, obviously, with the holidays quickly approaching, I'm feeling the absence of my dad all around me.  I'm hoping that God will wrap us all up just a little bit tighter in His arms through the next few months because it's going to be a doozy.  I miss him.  I miss talking to him.   This was Pawpaw last year with his boys at the pumpkin patch.  It was sad going back without him.  But as we were singing this invitation in church on Sunday, I knew that this was what my dad had experienced, literally.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

 I wonder what he's doing up there today.  Who he's talking to.  Listening to.  I love my sweet daddy.

 

 

A time to laugh...This is my favorite.  I love laughing.  There's nothing like a good laugh.  I'm so glad I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh. 

When we were little, my BFF forever and ever, Lindsay, her little sis Laurie, and I would literally record  ourselves laughing on the cassette player over and over again, just so we could laugh some more while we listened to it.  We had so much fun.  

 Growing up, (this is so crazy), I had the biggest complex about my laugh. I'm a natural giggler.  It's just part of me.  Today, I'm perfectly fine with it, but back in the day, oh man.  My mom would print all these articles about the benefits of laughing and even sent me to counseling, haha...she did everything she could to make me feel better about it.  I think that's what missing a lot in life today- there's just not enough to laugh about.  But trust me, it's my daily goal to make sure I get a couple of really good laughs in. 

Michael and I had like the most bizarre laugh the other night. It was so funny.  The story I'm about to tell you really happened.  I can't make this up.  It was 10:45- at night.  He was fast asleep since he has to wake up at 4:30.  I was flossing my teeth.  Too fast.  I went to yank the floss out between my very back teeth, and it broke.  It tore off between my teeth.  I was freaking out, I tell you, freaking out.  I woke Michael up, panicked, with the floss hanging out of my teeth and was like, "You've got to do something about this!" I was really considering the ER.  That's how panicked (dramatic) I was.  He immediately turned into super dentist mode.  He was shining the flashlight down my throat with one hand and had the tweezers in another, pulling that floss, people.  I mean, how could I not laugh at this?  It was hilarious!  Picture it.  But he wasn't having any laughter, no sir.  He was all business.  We even Googled YouTube videos about it.  I love Google.  We stayed up until 12:30 working on this floss.  Finally, it was over, and he laughed.  And we laughed.  It was good stuff. He was my knight in shining armor, no doubt. 

 

 

A time to love.  What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  I pray that God will fill me up with love.  Being a wife, I need to love.  Being a mommy, I need to love.  Being a daughter, being a sister, being a granddaughter, being a friend...I need to love. But being a teacher- oh boy, do I need to be filled with love.  Those kids need love.  I love those kids so much.  It's the kind of love that worries about them when I'm with them and long after, when they go home.  I pray that I will be a light for them. And  I can't always be, obviously, but at the end of the day, I want them to know they were loved. That they can be somebody and that they are awesome.

 

 Thank goodness for God's mercy and grace and for His forgiveness.  Cause I sure mess up a lot.  But God has made everything beautiful- in His time.