God's Orchestrating All the Time!

This is the day that the Lord hath made.  Let us rejoice and be glad! 

I've been humming this all day; my heart has been just a little bit lighter, my soul just a tad bit calmer.  We go through these trials...we go through our ups and our downs, our little roller coasters of life... so to have an up after such a long down is something to write about.  I don't know how long it will last, but today I will rejoice in it.  I have so much to be grateful for, to love my life for, to be excited about.  I'd like to say I will dwell on these things from now on and not let anything else come in the way, but that's just not realistic.

 

But to focus on a few things I can write about...that's easy.  I was thankful for my brother calling me the other night and being so sweet to me.  After reading my last blog, he told me that I'm a light that shines for him every day.  It's the nicest thing he's ever said to me, haha. 

 

And my mom...her encouraging words are never ending.  Her love is boundless.  Just what a mom should be.  To have a praying mom, one who loves her children so, is a blessing I'll never take for granted.

 

But to have my husband...he's my rock, my heart.  Full of love, full of patience, full of funnies to always cheer me up- that's him.  I'm greeted by a sweet text or a sticky note on the counter almost every single day from him. There's rarely a day that goes by that he skips this. I'm a lucky, lucky girl.  

Then to have my friends at work.  Oh boy, do we have a good time.  We know how to laugh.  And that's what makes the world go round.  We have to laugh to survive.  A day without laughter is a day wasted.  (And these pictures remind me, girls, that we need a picture of normal every day wear, haha!)

 

My sweet little boy.  My superhero. The one who draws A for mommy, and A's because she's awesome...

 

 

It's been so apparently clear to me lately how much God orchestrates every little part of our lives.  All these people He's put in my path, and all the people I haven't even mentioned (cause trust me, there's a whole lot!) are all here by His design.  When  I'm overwhelmed, He reminds me that He's right there.  By a funny text from an unsuspecting friend (not knowing that they are being used to cheer me up), by sweet words from Cohen's mouth (because honestly, where did the "A is for awesome and that's my mommy" come from except from God?), by silly little Facebook videos that happened to highlight my status as 25 years I've been a Christian, by sweet words that I'm being prayed for, by Mr. Don's "Amen" every single time I play the piano at church, no matter if it was great or awful,  it goes on and on.  God takes care of us.  Through each other.  That leaves me with one last little funny to put a smile on your face. 

 

Apple of His Eye

Today marks one year since I've heard my dad's voice.  One year ago today I talked to him for what would be the last phone call we'd ever have.  I know I shouldn't get hung up on dates, but right now, that's what is real to me.

I've been in a slump lately.  It's been pretty bad.  It happens to all of us at some point, at least I like to think it does, but lately, I just can't snap out of it.  I'm overcome with darkness; my light has been extinguished- well, maybe not "extinguished," but it's absolutely positively dimmed quite a bit.  It pains me to feel this way; it pains me that I cannot stop.  I've been robbed of my joy- it's been replaced with anxiety, worry, sadness, fear...  I can't get it to stop.  It's Satan's best attempt to yank me down, and the pull is so great, so fierce, that I find myself letting go.  It eats away at me, nags at my soul, wears me down, down, down.  Deeper, deeper, deeper.  I can't get it to stop. 

I tell myself to get over it, stop acting like this, just stop!! I ask myself why?  Why won't it stop?  I tell myself to quit being so ridiculous.  Outwardly, I see the foolishness of the way I'm feeling, but inwardly, I can't stop.  I just can't stop. 

It's been a long while since I've felt this way.  I thought I was past it, never to invite this feeling to come again, but it snuck in.  Uninvited, unannounced, unwanted. 

I hear God whispering to me, wanting to comfort me.  I know He's there, waiting on me to succumb to Him, to rest in His peace.  On the way home from church Sunday night, K-love had a special guest speaker- of course, he was addressing mental illness, including depression and anxiety.  More people suffer from mental illness than diabetes.  He spoke of how Christians are hesitant to talk about these problems for fear that it shows a lack of faith in God, but he stressed how we as Christians NEED to share our battles with others.  We need to know we're not alone. And the Bible is full of examples of those that were down and brokenhearted.  God loves us, and He's here to rescue us.

I was reading in Deuteronomy earlier- verse 31:8- "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  It pretty much says it all.  I flipped the page to verse 32:10 and was instantly reminded of a great friend and this verse that she shares with so many- "In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste.  He shielded him and cared for him: he guarded him as the apple of his eye."  How special is that- we're the apple of His eye.  To be the apple of God's eye can make anyone feel a little bit of joy, especially for this girl.

It's against my nature to be sad and down.  It sucks the life out of me to worry constantly, especially over every little thing.  It makes me physically feel bad to overanalyze everything I say and every choice I make.  I get mad at myself for worrying so much and for letting it overcome my life.  This is a problem that I'll probably deal with the rest of my life because it's a hereditary problem on both sides of my family.  I've made it through quite a long time on my own dealing with things pretty well, and I'll be okay soon enough.  We all fight these things from time to time, but as long as we know and remember, " I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  I have no doubt I'll snap out of it soon; after all, I have a light that needs to be shining. 

As I was researching Bible verses tonight, I stumbled across this video someone made and it has Josh Wilson's song playing- "Fall Apart."  The video is full of God's promises and was another gift from Him tonight.  He never ceases to amaze me.  The link to it is below:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=kXOEZJyqdsg

Drawing Nearer

2013.  What a year it's been.  It's been a year of laughing, learning, loving, nurturing, mourning, growing, changing.  I've learned more about life this year than any other year.  Not all of it good, not all of it bad. It's been a mixture.  Am I satisfied?  No.  In fact, I'm kinda ashamed of how little I've accomplished this year.  I have a lot more learning to do.  I'm ready for 2014, ready for a new start.  I'm ready to be more, to do more, to love more, to accept more, to pray more...to shine more. 

I want to be able to say at the end of the day that it is well with my soul.  I want to be able to know that I surrendered all. I want to walk with Him and talk with Him.  It's so hard to do these things, though.  So hard.  And I continually fail. Over and over again.

One of my favorite hymns is "Come, Thou Fount of Every Blessing," particularly this verse:

 

 O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

 

How easy, how beautiful to sing those words- here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it.  It's melodic; it warms my soul.  But I can't just sing it, and I can't just play it- I must actually do it.  I must give my all to Him. It's the key to happiness.  It's the key to life.  It's the key. 

 

"Whom have I in heaven but thee? and there is none upon earth that I desire beside thee.

My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." Psalm 73:25-26

 

Thank goodness for a God who gives second chances. And third and fourth and 3, 201 chances.  And however many I need.  And if He can so easily give us chances to redeem ourselves, surely we can give each other chances, too?  Chances to be better to one another.  To love deeper, to forgive easier, to live better.  Surely. 

 

"But it is good for me to draw near to God:  I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all they works." Psalm 73:28

 

In 2014, I want to just draw nearer. Nearer to Thee. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Take Off the Grave Clothes!

"Am I worthy to stand in the presence of God? By no means!  I am a sinner saved by Grace."

 

Teresa gave me one of my dad's study Bibles about a month ago, but my heart hasn't been ready to open it and look through it until tonight. When I opened it tonight, the sentence above was written on one of the pages- my dad's handwriting on the page of Luke 18.  I was looking for a sign from God tonight, something to comfort me, something to fill me with peace. And He delivered.  How comforting, how amazing, how affirming, to read my father's words on the pages of my Father's words...proclaiming his salvation- right in front of me. I know without a doubt that my dad is in Heaven, always have.  That's never been an issue.  But it was a sweet, sweet reminder from my Heavenly Father of my dad's strong faith.  Of his relentless hope of salvation.  It was a gift this girl needed on the eve of Christmas eve.  

 

My heart aches in the death of my dad.  It literally aches.  It's rare that I speak of his death out loud.  Very rare.  I can't. I literally start crying every time I speak of him, and it's too much for me.  But a few nights ago, I told Michael that his death is just unbelievable to me.  It doesn't seem real. 

 

 Looking through his Bible tonight helps me.  Seeing how he placed little dots under each individual word of John 4:41 ("And because of his words many more became believers.")  makes me proud that he was my dad.  A God-fearing, God-believing, God-seeking Dad.   

 

Flipping the pages, I see some more notes he's written on the pages of John 11.  The passage is about Jesus raising Lazarus from the dead.  My dad wrote on the side of the page, "Has your life turned upside down?  4 days dead!  Jesus can still work it out!"  So yes, Dad, my life has turned upside down.  And you're right- Jesus is going to work it out.  After all, he performed the miracle of raising a dead man back to life.  No matter what we go through, whatever trials come our way, Jesus will still be there.  He's still in the business of loving us, protecting us, and guiding us.  He can still heal our broken hearts. My hope is in Him.  I'm so blessed that I know that he's at peace. 

 

I'm thankful for my Savior, for giving me the parents that He did. This Christmas, I've experienced the birth of Jesus in a new way because now all the people I equate with the nativity and the birth of Jesus, I imagine my dad meeting in Heaven, talking with them, getting first-hand reports of how it all went down that night in Bethlehem so many years ago.  My dad is with these people now.  That's amazing.   

 

Last Christmas was a really hard Christmas. Cohen had the flu, so we couldn't leave the house.  We were stuck at home.  I remember texting my dad telling him we wouldn't make it over to his house, and I was sad to miss out on all the festivities.  But later on, he and Teresa came over to see us.  It made our day to visit with them, and had I known that would've been my last Christmas with my daddy, I would've relished in it even more, taken more pictures- this time making sure I got some really great ones of my dad with Cohen.  I had no idea that he would be gone from my life just a month and a half away.  No idea. 

 

 I pray for healing for our family this year.  But when I think of us, I also think of so many other families that are hurting, that are experiencing loss and sickness, and I pray that we can all help each other through these times.  We need to show God's love and be His light to one another. 

 

The last sentence my dad wrote on the page of John 11 says, "Take off your grave clothes!"  I think it's his way of saying to me to not be consumed with grief. Rejoice in his life.  But also rejoice in his everlasting life.  It's okay.  It's going to be okay.

 

O, come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, O come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord.

We'll give Him all the glory, we'll give Him all the glory, we'll give Him all the glory, Christ the Lord.

Goodnight, Sam.

Christmas.  Almost a week away.  With all the decorating, shopping, and to-do lists to make it a magical Christmas, my heart isn't in it all the way this year.  I'm just so sad to have Christmas without my daddy.  The first one in 32 years.  Without him.  But I feel him everywhere.  I think of him always.  Oh, how I miss him. 

 

Sunday was the first time in a several weeks that I really felt that overwhelming sensation as I played the piano of a connection between me, Dad, and God.  Sometimes, in the stress of everything going on, I lose my focus, but this week, God grabbed my heart as I played.  Grabbed it.  And it was one of those powerful moments that we had that just made me be still.  I need those moments more.  I was playing "What Child Is This?" and I could see so clearly a vision of my dad visiting with sweet Mary and sitting quietly with her as I played, them reflecting on that miracle that happened, that changed the world. The miracle of Jesus' birth.  My dad is up there with them right now.  I wonder what their celebration is like, their celebration of the birthday of our King.  I bet it's amazing.  And Dad is getting to experience it for the first time with the key players.  The stars of the show.  How amazing! 

 

And tonight he's getting to experience it with his best furry friend.  Our dear sweet Sam.  It broke my heart to get the phone call from Teresa that Sam died today.  Truly a man's best friend.  A loyal, loving companion that's walked by Dad's side for many years.  A dog that brought him comfort, joy, and lots of love. Unconditional love, through good times and not so good times. It's just heartbreaking to say goodbye to something that meant so much to my dad.  Who knows if pets go to Heaven, but I'm going to believe that they do. Why not?  What's the harm in it?  I did look up some scriptures about animals, and found some promising ones, like this one-
"And every creature which is in heaven, and on earth, and under the earth, and such as are in the sea, and all that are in them, heard I saying. Blessing, and honour, and glory, and power, be unto him that sitteth upon the throne, and unto the Lamb for ever and ever." Revelation 5:13 

 

It feels as if another piece of my dad has died today.  To some, that may be silly, but I'm sure the number of people that understand what I'm writing far outweighs the ones that don't.  We love you, Sam.  You were a dear, fun dog.  A beauty.  May you rest in peace and walk the streets of gold with Daddy for the rest of your life. 

Thanksgiving 2013 (Just pictures from our day!)

Psalm 95:1-6
"O come, let us sing unto the LORD: let us make a joyful noise to the rock of our salvation. Let us come before his presence with thanksgiving, and make a joyful noise unto him with psalms. For the LORD is a great God, and a great King above all gods. In his hand are the deep places of the earth: the strength of the hills is his also. The sea is his, and he made it: and his hands formed the dry land. O come, let us worship and bow down: let us kneel before the LORD our maker.

 

I have to go light on the blogging today.  Nothing deep.  Just pictures from our day.  I wish I had gotten more.  There's always tomorrow! 

 

 

  

 

 

 

 

  

 

  

 

 

 

Evermore and Evermore (A Thanksgiving Tribute to My Dad)

 

¹⁶ Rejoice evermore.

¹⁷ Pray without ceasing.

¹⁸ In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

Rejoice evermore.  Rejoice now until the end of time.  Forever.  Not just when I feel like it. Not just when times are good.  Yes, rejoice in the great times.  Rejoice in the amazing times. That's easy, Ash. But rejoice in the sad times.  Rejoice in the troubling times.  Always rejoice.  Evermore and evermore.  The word evermore in this verse makes the old hymn pop in my mind, "Of the Father's Love Begotten."  And that, of course, is why we can always find something to rejoice about.  No matter what, we've got Jesus to rejoice in.

 

 "Of the Father’s love begotten, ere the worlds began to be,
He is Alpha and Omega, He the source, the ending He,
Of the things that are, that have been,
And that future years shall see, evermore and evermore!"

 

This season of Thanksgiving is different than other seasons because this year it's minus Dad.  It's hard for me to rejoice in that. I rejoice that he's with Jesus.  But there's an ache in my heart that he's not here getting ready to fry the ole turkey.  He was so good at it.   Worked so hard to get everything cooked just so and make us all happy.  And he could cook, boy, could he cook!  I had no idea that last year would be my last Thanksgiving to see him.  No idea.  I try to be strong, I try to pray, I try not to cry. But I'm no good at it.  

 

I rejoice that in the midst of my bizarre dreams, God gave me the gift of a visit from Dad in one of them this week.  He was just driving by, rolled down his window, and yelled out, "You're doing a great job!" He had a big ole grin on his face.  Thank you, God, for sending him to me.  Thank you. It woke me up crying, missing him, made me so sad, but it also made me feel like I'd just gotten a big huge hug from my daddy.  Oh, I wish I could have one more hug.  Just one more. 

 

I pulled the shadowboxes off the wall today to just read his cards.  I needed to feel close to him. 

Ashley,

This life is full of problems and worries.  Many of which you are beginning to experience.  If I had my way, you would never have any worries or problems.  I am writing this to share with you how very special you are to me.  When I see all the problems and worries that come my way, sometimes I get very discouraged.  But when I see you, I see something very beautiful, something that makes me very proud to be your father.  In you, my little girl, I see hope.  I see in you a life that brings joy to everyone you touch.  I see a deep, deep love for people in your life.  I see God using you to bring peace and love to the lives of those whom you meet.  You are very special!

If my life were to end today, I want you to know that you are a very special blessing to me.  If I live for fifty more years, then every day I will praise God that He gave me such a very special little girl.  My one wish is that you will always know that I am available to you.  I pray that I will always be a father that you will be proud of.  That is my dream.  My hope is that you will continue to let your light shine before this very dark world. 

I love you. This love will never fade away.  You are in your daddy's heart forever.
To my special girl,
Your Dad

In this season of Thanksgiving, I give thanks for so very, very much.  I'm more than abundantly blessed.  And so loved.  But today, I'm beyond thankful for the gift of his words.  For the gift of his love.  For the gift of being so treasured by him. Today, I thank You, God, for my dad.  Thank you.  I rejoice that I had him for 31 years, and that You have him for all eternity.  Evermore and evermore.