Back at Christmas, during our Bunko party, we started talking about blogs and I told them how I wanted to start blogging. I wanted to be a blogger. As obsessed as I am with my kid, I somehow let the whole baby book thing fall to the wayside- as in it's blank. BLANK. Oops. This is so not like me. So I thought blogging would be an excellent outlet to record all the cute and funny things he says and does. Along with Facebook, haha. So I went home and created a blog, still unsure of exactly how the whole thing would work.
God had a plan, didn't He? Not even two months later, the blog has become a refuge for me. I had no idea then that God had His master plan at work through something so simple. Dealing with my dad's death has been so very hard. I'm almost in denial about it, I think. Either that, or I'm so totally comforted and at peace- I can't distinguish the two. Maybe it's both. But regardless, writing my feelings down has been the best thing to help me throughout this whole process. This process I was not ready for.
God had a plan, and it's selfish of me, but I simply don't like it. I know Dad wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, but I want him here just a little longer. I've written before about that last night I saw him- how I was chasing Cohen around the yard, but what I didn't say is I didn't hug him that night. I'm so mad at myself for that. Why didn't I take the time to hug him? Why didn't I call him more, text him more, stop by more? I'm so mad at myself.
Based on what everyone says, regret is part of it. Even if I had been the best daughter in the world, I would have regrets. But it doesn't make me feel better right now. Right now, I just miss my dad. I want a hug and I want to see his smile. I want to feel his unconditional love. I want him to ask about his boy. I want, I want, I want. I want him here. I just can't believe he's not. And that he'll never be here again.
So I'll just keep going to the Father for comfort and assurance. There's not another option.
Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
I will rest in Thee. I will rest in Thee.
Regardless of all my sad emotions, the flip side is that 80% of the time, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding. The peace of Christ. Thank God for His peace. It just so happens that right now, I'm feeling the 20% sorrowful time. The scriptures below would make my dad smile.
1 Thessalonians 4:13-18
13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
And one day, we'll be face to face again. I'm thankful that through this heartbroken time, I have pulled out my Bible more and talked to the Lord more. This song below is just what I needed to hear yesterday. Cry out to Jesus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_detailpage&v=TAk8KBjB6Mo
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