Evermore and Evermore (A Thanksgiving Tribute to My Dad)

 

¹⁶ Rejoice evermore.

¹⁷ Pray without ceasing.

¹⁸ In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

 

Rejoice evermore.  Rejoice now until the end of time.  Forever.  Not just when I feel like it. Not just when times are good.  Yes, rejoice in the great times.  Rejoice in the amazing times. That's easy, Ash. But rejoice in the sad times.  Rejoice in the troubling times.  Always rejoice.  Evermore and evermore.  The word evermore in this verse makes the old hymn pop in my mind, "Of the Father's Love Begotten."  And that, of course, is why we can always find something to rejoice about.  No matter what, we've got Jesus to rejoice in.

 

 "Of the Father’s love begotten, ere the worlds began to be,
He is Alpha and Omega, He the source, the ending He,
Of the things that are, that have been,
And that future years shall see, evermore and evermore!"

 

This season of Thanksgiving is different than other seasons because this year it's minus Dad.  It's hard for me to rejoice in that. I rejoice that he's with Jesus.  But there's an ache in my heart that he's not here getting ready to fry the ole turkey.  He was so good at it.   Worked so hard to get everything cooked just so and make us all happy.  And he could cook, boy, could he cook!  I had no idea that last year would be my last Thanksgiving to see him.  No idea.  I try to be strong, I try to pray, I try not to cry. But I'm no good at it.  

 

I rejoice that in the midst of my bizarre dreams, God gave me the gift of a visit from Dad in one of them this week.  He was just driving by, rolled down his window, and yelled out, "You're doing a great job!" He had a big ole grin on his face.  Thank you, God, for sending him to me.  Thank you. It woke me up crying, missing him, made me so sad, but it also made me feel like I'd just gotten a big huge hug from my daddy.  Oh, I wish I could have one more hug.  Just one more. 

 

I pulled the shadowboxes off the wall today to just read his cards.  I needed to feel close to him. 

Ashley,

This life is full of problems and worries.  Many of which you are beginning to experience.  If I had my way, you would never have any worries or problems.  I am writing this to share with you how very special you are to me.  When I see all the problems and worries that come my way, sometimes I get very discouraged.  But when I see you, I see something very beautiful, something that makes me very proud to be your father.  In you, my little girl, I see hope.  I see in you a life that brings joy to everyone you touch.  I see a deep, deep love for people in your life.  I see God using you to bring peace and love to the lives of those whom you meet.  You are very special!

If my life were to end today, I want you to know that you are a very special blessing to me.  If I live for fifty more years, then every day I will praise God that He gave me such a very special little girl.  My one wish is that you will always know that I am available to you.  I pray that I will always be a father that you will be proud of.  That is my dream.  My hope is that you will continue to let your light shine before this very dark world. 

I love you. This love will never fade away.  You are in your daddy's heart forever.
To my special girl,
Your Dad

In this season of Thanksgiving, I give thanks for so very, very much.  I'm more than abundantly blessed.  And so loved.  But today, I'm beyond thankful for the gift of his words.  For the gift of his love.  For the gift of being so treasured by him. Today, I thank You, God, for my dad.  Thank you.  I rejoice that I had him for 31 years, and that You have him for all eternity.  Evermore and evermore.

He Makes All Things Beautiful in His Time

A Time for Everything

Ecclesiastes 3:1- 14

3 There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. ¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

 

Beautiful words.  There's no competing with them, so I shouldn't even attempt it, but it's been a while since I've blogged.  So here goes.

 

I'm just picking a few to talk about from the verses above.  A time to mourn.  A time to weep. Well, obviously, with the holidays quickly approaching, I'm feeling the absence of my dad all around me.  I'm hoping that God will wrap us all up just a little bit tighter in His arms through the next few months because it's going to be a doozy.  I miss him.  I miss talking to him.   This was Pawpaw last year with his boys at the pumpkin patch.  It was sad going back without him.  But as we were singing this invitation in church on Sunday, I knew that this was what my dad had experienced, literally.  "Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
Look full in His wonderful face,
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,
In the light of His glory and grace."

 I wonder what he's doing up there today.  Who he's talking to.  Listening to.  I love my sweet daddy.

 

 

A time to laugh...This is my favorite.  I love laughing.  There's nothing like a good laugh.  I'm so glad I'm surrounded by people that make me laugh. 

When we were little, my BFF forever and ever, Lindsay, her little sis Laurie, and I would literally record  ourselves laughing on the cassette player over and over again, just so we could laugh some more while we listened to it.  We had so much fun.  

 Growing up, (this is so crazy), I had the biggest complex about my laugh. I'm a natural giggler.  It's just part of me.  Today, I'm perfectly fine with it, but back in the day, oh man.  My mom would print all these articles about the benefits of laughing and even sent me to counseling, haha...she did everything she could to make me feel better about it.  I think that's what missing a lot in life today- there's just not enough to laugh about.  But trust me, it's my daily goal to make sure I get a couple of really good laughs in. 

Michael and I had like the most bizarre laugh the other night. It was so funny.  The story I'm about to tell you really happened.  I can't make this up.  It was 10:45- at night.  He was fast asleep since he has to wake up at 4:30.  I was flossing my teeth.  Too fast.  I went to yank the floss out between my very back teeth, and it broke.  It tore off between my teeth.  I was freaking out, I tell you, freaking out.  I woke Michael up, panicked, with the floss hanging out of my teeth and was like, "You've got to do something about this!" I was really considering the ER.  That's how panicked (dramatic) I was.  He immediately turned into super dentist mode.  He was shining the flashlight down my throat with one hand and had the tweezers in another, pulling that floss, people.  I mean, how could I not laugh at this?  It was hilarious!  Picture it.  But he wasn't having any laughter, no sir.  He was all business.  We even Googled YouTube videos about it.  I love Google.  We stayed up until 12:30 working on this floss.  Finally, it was over, and he laughed.  And we laughed.  It was good stuff. He was my knight in shining armor, no doubt. 

 

 

A time to love.  What the world needs now is love, sweet love.  I pray that God will fill me up with love.  Being a wife, I need to love.  Being a mommy, I need to love.  Being a daughter, being a sister, being a granddaughter, being a friend...I need to love. But being a teacher- oh boy, do I need to be filled with love.  Those kids need love.  I love those kids so much.  It's the kind of love that worries about them when I'm with them and long after, when they go home.  I pray that I will be a light for them. And  I can't always be, obviously, but at the end of the day, I want them to know they were loved. That they can be somebody and that they are awesome.

 

 Thank goodness for God's mercy and grace and for His forgiveness.  Cause I sure mess up a lot.  But God has made everything beautiful- in His time. 



Sundays

I love Sundays.  I love going to church and being with my church family.  I love praising God.  Today, Bro. Billy kept saying over and over again, "Shine for Jesus."  I love those words.  I always have.   I always try to stress that with my kids at church because it sounds so simple.  Seems doable. That's the name of my blog- Just Shine. Such simplicity, but this world makes it full of complexity. I want to just shine.  I want people to see Jesus when they see me.  I've got a lot of work to do, that's for sure.  Sounds so simple, yet Satan is always lurking in the shadows trying to dim the light.  

If I had to narrow it down to my favorite things about Sunday, it would be listening to the words of the hymns as I play them and playing the offertory.  I love hymns.  The words are amazing.  Uplifting.  So true.  They always make worship real to me. The one that I really loved today was "This Is My Father's World."  The last stanza was perfect.  It was our offertory hymn, so the congregation was standing while singing, and during this time, I try to tune the piano out and just listen to the people sing and lift their voices to God.  It's truly beautiful, and it sets my heart right to play the offertory.  Their voices echoed in the church today,

 "This is my Father’s world. O let me ne’er forget
That though the wrong seems oft so strong, God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: the battle is not done:
Jesus Who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one."

 

When I listen to them sing, it gives me chills.  I feel God in our presence.  And that's what it is all about. 

When I started playing the piano in the fourth grade, I never dreamed I'd be the church pianist one day.  I always loved playing church music best, and I'm so grateful to my mom and dad for making sure I kept my lessons up and stuck with it.  I'm even grateful to my  brother for those rides he used to give me to lessons.  He hated taking me, and some of those rides are quite unforgettable. 

I've said it before in other posts- when I play, I pray.  I pray for my sweet childhood best friend Lindsay.  As I play, I think back on all of our old times together, and I just pour out my heart to God that He will bless her.  She's the best friend a girl could ever ask for.  I pray for my brother.  I pray that God will give him the strength to be the man He wants him to be.  I pray for my mom and I thank God for her.  I pray for whomever is on my mind that day- these are just a few. 

 But since my dad died, I mostly pray for peace.  Almost everything I play is a big vision in my mind of when my dad died- how he was feeling as his heart began to hurt, when he was leaving this earth, how he was feeling upon entering Heaven, how he is feeling there now.  And I honestly have no idea- I'm just envisioning.  As the visions play in my head, they unravel as my fingers hit the keys. I never knew as a 9 year old girl starting to play the piano that one day as a 32 year old woman, God would use that to give me the greatest peace imaginable.  It's been the greatest comfort to me.  Sometimes when I play, I feel like my heart is going to stop because it's that real to me- the visions I have in my head.  I thank God for giving me this way to grieve and for giving me this way to heal. 

No one else knows or cares what is going on with me while I play; to the people, I'm just playing another song during the offertory.  But it's our time, mine and God's.  And I cherish it.  And if in the process it can help someone else out, then that's even better. 

To be who God wants me to be is challenging to say the least.  Like I said earlier, there's a lot of work to be done, that's for sure.  But He's still working on me.

 

"He's still working on me to make me what I ought to be.
It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars,
The sun and the earth and Jupiter and Mars.
How loving and patient He must be, He's still working on me.

       There really ought to be a sign upon the heart,
Don't judge her yet, there's an unfinished part.
But I'll be perfect just according to His plan
Fashioned by the Master's loving hands."



Happy Birthday, Dad (A Few Days Late)

I wrote the post below last Tuesday night, the night before my dad's birthday.  I cried until 2 in the morning.  The grief I feel over my dad's death hasn't diminished.  I've not dealt with death very much at all.  So this death, the death of one who was so vital in my life, is hitting me hard.  I just didn't see it coming.  I know it will get better with time, but my sensitive, emotional soul has a hard time with it.  After I wrote it,  I couldn't post it right away.  To most, these are just words on a page, but to me, it's what's in my heart.  I decided to post it now because his birthday became a day of God revealing His promises to me. Wednesday, my dad's birthday, was a day of peace.  I did all my crying Tuesday, and I could just feel prayers on Wednesday.  I could feel the love of God, with His peace that surpasses all understanding.

The words that kept popping in my head all day long were, "He's sustaining me."  And He was.  Through the funny things my students kept saying, through the good conversations with my coworkers, through my friends at church, through my sweet little kids at church, through my family- through it all, He sustained me. Psalm 54:4 Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.

I thank God for His infinite love.  His boundless love.  His unconditional love.  How blessed I am to have Him.  May I be a blessing to Him.  That's the real challenge.  Let my life be a blessing to you, Lord Jesus. 

Well, Dad, it's your day.  And I'm just going to go ahead and put it all out there.  So hang on.  I just don't know where else to start but with the truth.

Truth #1:  I'm so mad you aren't here.  So stinking mad.  I just don't understand how you could go so fast from our lives.  I miss you, Dad.  I miss you so very very much.  I'm still in absolute shock that you died.  I mean it- absolute, unbelievable shock.  I just can't believe it.  It hurts me physically to think that I can never talk to you again.  It. hurts. my. soul.

Truth #2:  I'm so sad you aren't here.  So stinking sad.  It's been almost 7 months, and I still cry about you all the time.  I can't even talk about you without crying, so I usually just don't go there.  I'm so upset about all of this.  That's why I blog.  It's a ton of bricks lifted off of me every time I blog.  I think you would like that I write about all of this.  You were a writer, and I can see you and hear you telling me to just go write about it. 

Truth 3:  You were the best dad this girl could ever ask for.  I swell up with pride when I think of you.  There could never be another that loves me the way you did.  And what a great dad you were to my brother.  What a rock you were to us.  A listener.  A protector.  A leader.  You did a good job, Dad.  We are so proud to call you ours. 

Of course, the greatest truth I'm saving for last. 

Truth #4:  You're having the best birthday of your life right now.  1 Corinthians 2:9 says, "However, as it is written:  What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived- the things God prepared for those who love Him."  You are seeing it all now, Dad. You're living it. And while my hurt hearts, yours no longer does.  Thank God for that- you're free.  You're hanging out with all the saints and angels, walking the streets of gold.  I wonder if you've made it to Noah yet.  Cohen seems to think you have.  He told me on the way home the other day that you and Noah were together in Heaven. 

I love you, Dad.  I was reading your old texts to me, and I came across one from you that says, "You know you will always own my heart."  Thank you for always sharing your words with me.  I cherish those words.

Happy birthday, Dad.  I love you.  You'll always be in my heart.

 "Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you:  not as the world giveth, give I unto you.  Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid."  John 14:27

"I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

 

This crazy world.  If I'm not careful, it'll drag the life out of me.  It attacks at every opportunity, ready to snatch the shine right out of me.  I have good intentions, truly I do.  Every single day.  I start my day praying on the way to school, earnestly wanting to be what God wants me to be.   But I keep feeling like I'm missing the mark.  I'm falling short.  I'm letting the world get the best of me instead of Jesus getting the best of me.  Ouch.  But it's true.  I'm so caught up trying to do my job right- all of my jobs- that I forget to just give it to Jesus.  I forget to be still.  I forget to rest in Him.  And what does that lead to?  A scattered, nervous, stressful, dark Ashley.  Lights out. 

 

But I need the light on.  I have a little boy that needs me to be a light for him.  I have a husband that needs me to be a light.  I have a group of precious children at church that need me to be a light.  I have family that needs me to be a light.  And I have students at school that need me to be a light.  All these people- I need to be shining with the love of Jesus. With all the demands, all the pressure, all the protocol, all the expectations, all the what ifs, all the what nows, all of the unknowns, I'm still supposed to shine.  I'm at my mission field every day.  But where's my heart?  It's so caught up in trying to get things right, that I forget to just be me.  Just rest in Him, Ashley.  He's calling.  He's whispering, "Rest in Me."  I forget to give it to Him.  To trust Him. 

 

I'm going to just keep on trying.  That's the thing about Jesus.  He's always there, arms wide open, ready to forgive and comfort.  He's always faithful.  He always provides. 

 

I played an offertory yesterday based on the hymn "Be Still My Soul."  My heart literally hurt as I sang the words in my head as I played.  He has a plan.  The future is His.  I will rest in Him.

 

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

 

 

 

 

It's my birthday. And exactly 6 months since my dad died. Don't think that didn't get past me.

It's my birthday.  And exactly 6 months since my dad died.  Don't think that didn't get past me.  Oh, how I miss him.  How I miss his phone calls, his text messages, his sweet smile, his concern for me, his love for me.  It's my first birthday in my whole entire life without talking to my daddy.  I never even thought it was a possibility he would be gone so stinking soon.  But gone he is, gone to something far grander than this life had to offer. 

I've been reading his letters tonight, absorbing the words and relishing in his thoughts for me.  I grasp onto them for comfort, to find the love that I'm missing, the love that can only come from my daddy.  I look for solace amongst his eloquent handwriting, the slope of his penmanship, the love that poured on the paper through the overflowing words of his heart.  How special those words are to me.  How I will always treasure them. I will pour over them for years to come, longing to feel just a piece of him with me.  And as I do, I will feel a peace that I was loved.  Unconditionally.  Abundantly. 

To have an earthly father like I did was a special blessing.  And to have a Heavenly Father like I have is so promising.  As I read the letters from my dad, I also pour my soul into his Bible, looking for comforting scriptures, for hope, for joy, for peace, for renewal of my heart.  As I read my Heavenly Father's letters to me,  I'm overwhelmed with comfort, I find the love that I'm missing, the love that can only come from my Father.  My Jesus.  How special those words are to me. How I will always treasure them.  I will memorize the words so that I can pour over them in times of sadness, in times of distress, in times of needed hope.  And as I do, I know I will feel a peace that I was loved.  Unconditionally, abundantly, and eternally. 

2 fathers.  One earthly.  One Heavenly.    Blessed.   

Dear Jesus,
I long to be perfectly whole.  I want Thee forever to live in my soul.  Thank you for washing me, washing me whiter than snow. Please instill in me the eagerness to dive into your Word, to study it, to know it.  To study myself approved unto You, to hide Your word in my heart, to live unabashedly for You.  To shine.  Just shine.  And tell my daddy I love him.  Tell him how proud I am of him.  I love you, Lord. 

A birthday card from my dad.  I've shared it before, but it's a great one to read again.

Ashley,

 

I hope this day will be a happy day for you.  You bring such joy and happiness to my life.  The Lord truly blessed me when he sent you to me.

 

I am so very proud of you.  You have a loving spirit that is very refreshing in the day in which we live. 

 

I love you so very much that words cannot express the depth of my love for you.  Always remember no matter how old you get that you are Daddy's little girl.  Daddy will always be here for you!

 

Birthdays come and go and the presents you get, they sometimes lose their luster, so I want to give you a gift that will last forever.  What is it?  It is some advice.  Are you ready?  Ok.

 

If you want to be truly happy in this life, stay very close to God.  Read your Bible and pray.  Share some of God's love with another person on a daily basis.  Don't look for what you can get but rather look for what you can give. 

 

And remember,

Daddy loves you!

 

Dad, you were really challenging me with that.  But I'm going to try.   It seems like every day something tries to get in the way, and that I fall short, but I'm going to figure it out.  One day at a time.  I miss you, Dad. I miss you so, so much.  I know when I sing or play this last stanza of "How Great Thou Art" that this is exactly what you did upon entering Heaven's gates. 

 

When Christ shall come,

With shouts of acclamation,

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

 



I Bid Farewell to the Way of the World

It seems like every Sunday as I'm playing the hymns during church that I'm reminded of my dad.  There is always some stanza that just touches me and brings me comfort in the fact that although I miss my dad terribly, he's home.  I'm so glad that I'm exactly where I'm at every Sunday on that piano bench because it brings me peace.  I'm so grateful for hymns.  The song that tugged at my heart Sunday totally took me by surprise because it's more upbeat and joyful sounding than the usual ones that get to me. It was "The Way of the Cross Leads Home."

 

"Then I bid farewell to the way of the world,
To walk in it never more;
For the Lord says, “Come,” and I seek my home,
Where He  waits at the open door.

 

The way of the cross leads home,
The way of the cross leads home,
It is sweet to know as I onward go,
The way of the cross leads home."

 

 

This was the last stanza, and I could just see my dad humming this as he goes about his day in heaven.  I could see a happy, peaceful smile on his face. I remember thinking when I was younger that my dad looked "jolly" when he smiled.  That's seriously the word that popped in my mind, too. And it was what popped in my mind Sunday morning.  I haven't thought about that in a long time.  It brought me comfort and reminded me again that while my heart aches, his is whole and perfect. 

 

I've been missing him an awful lot lately.  There's nothing to say or do to make it better; it is what it is.  I found this Bible of his on my bookshelf.  I'm not sure how I ended up with it, except that I think I probably liked  the size of it and decided to keep it for myself years ago, but regardless, he had marked a few scriptures in it.  It's neat to look for the ones with markings on it, highlighters through it, and notes beside it.  He hadn't used this Bible very much (I guess I swiped it before he could put too many marks on it), so it's not a lot, but it's like a scavenger hunt to find them and try to get a glimpse of what he was feeling at the time.  One verse marked is Isaiah 26:3, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever; for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength."  I love this.  I felt like I found a gold mine the first time I saw it.  God provides comfort, and that's a fact.  Below is a beautiful psalm I came across while looking for my dad's marked scriptures. 

 

Psalm 42

 

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

 

Thank you God, for your comforting words.  Thank you for being my Savior and my God.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for everlasting strength.  Thank you for the assurance that my dad is happy and just downright jolly.  How could he not be?  He's with You.