Whiter than Snow

It's so much easier to fly through the days and just try not to think about him.  But I can only do it for so long until it catches up with me- the realization that it's been way too long since I've talked to him and I can never rectify that situation.  The only conversations I can have with him now are one-sided. But while my heart grieves here on earth, while it breaks every time I think of him, while my eyes overflow with tears when I remember him, he is exactly where he wants to be, at the feet of Jesus.  He must be doing wonderful.  I can see him now, glowing in the presence of our Savior.  It's the one thing his heart desired. 

I cherish my memories of him.  One of my favorites:  When I was little, on the way home from church on Sunday nights,  I would pretend to fall asleep just so he would carry me in and lay me down in my bed.  I was too big to be carried, but I loved to feel my daddy's arms around me.

This is an excerpt from one of his letters during a tough time in our lives, and my heart rests in these words tonight.  "I thank you for all of your love, for your smile , and for just being here for me.  I love you with my whole heart, I always have.  I will always be here for you.  There will never be anything or anyone more important to me than you and Corey.  Yesterday was hard, but today is a new day.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am going to live it for the glory of God."

When I am sad or thinking of him, inevitably a hymn pops in my mind.  Tonight it is "Whiter Than Snow."  What an awesome prayer for me tonight.  Powerful words.  I love these old hymns.

Lord Jesus, I long to be perfectly whole;

I want Thee forever to live in my soul.

Break down every idol, cast out every foe;

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

Whiter than snow, yes, whiter than snow.

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

Lord Jesus, let nothing unholy remain,

Apply Thine own blood and extract ev’ry stain;

To get this blest cleansing, I all things forego—

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

Lord Jesus, look down from Thy throne in the skies,

And help me to make a complete sacrifice.

I give up myself, and whatever I know,

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

Lord Jesus, for this I most humbly entreat,

I wait, blessèd Lord, at Thy crucified feet.

By faith, for my cleansing, I see Thy blood flow,

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

Lord Jesus, Thou seest I patiently wait,

Come now, and within me a new heart create;

To those who have sought Thee, Thou never saidst “No,”

Now wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow.

 

The blessing by faith, I receive from above;

O glory! my soul is made perfect in love;

My prayer has prevailed, and this moment I know,

The blood is applied, I am whiter than snow.

 I think it's exactly what my dad would have me hear.  He would want me to be comforted by only one thing, the love of Jesus.  Nothing would make him happier than to see us wanting to live better and love better because we have Jesus in our hearts.  It's what he wanted.  And goodness knows, he felt so defeated a lot of the time; he felt like he was failing, but nothing changed his desire to keep trying.  That's the legacy he's left with me.  In the midst of the trials on this earth, nothing wavered his faith in God. 

I love you, Dad.  I'm so mad that you aren't here, but that's my earthly selfish desires. So even though I'm angry that I don't have you, I have such peace to know that you are finally resting.  You are finally free from all your worries and pains.  Thank you for making sure we knew we were loved by you.

All my love, forever and ever,
Your little girl