Just Shine

 

When Michael works nights, it's just me and Cohen.  For some reason, I get sadder during these times, contemplating life without my dad.  It's just such a hard thing to understand.  To grasp.  To accept.  To even acknowledge.  Sometimes it's easier just to not think about it. Death is part of life; even the preacher said tonight- everyone is terminal.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  

 

I feel so bad when I lay down with Cohen some nights because sometimes (not that often, before you go judging me)  I literally just start bawling.  Poor baby- having to deal with his momma acting like that.  But God has given him the sweetest heart (most of the time, :-)) and he automatically knows why I'm crying.  "You miss Pawpaw Gene, Mommy?  It'll be okay, Mommy.  It'll be okay."   He tells me that over and over.  How blessed I am by him.  My daddy would think that's the sweetest thing ever.

 

My grandma was telling me how lucky she was to have him for 56 years; how thankful she was that God loaned him that long instead of just 6 or 16.  I'm thankful for the 31 years I had with him, but it wasn't enough.  Apparently to God it was, and I accept that, but I'm still sad about it.  And I think I'll always be sad about it, honestly. 

 

People say it gets  easier, but so far, I just see it getting harder as the days go by.  It makes me worry about all my loved ones dying.  And I know that's no good, but that's just how it is. And the dreams I have.  Oh the dreams I have.  Sometimes I feel robbed of my sleep because of the dreams.  I'm hoping this will all pass, hoping it's just part of it. 

 

As I've written before, playing the piano is my time with Jesus.  I should play more. I'm so thankful that I have this  special communication with Jesus.   Before I play on Sunday mornings, I like to read the words to the song I'm playing.  Hymns are right up there with scripture to me.  Full of good stuff.  Overflowing with uplifting, comforting words. You can't find words like that anywhere else.  I thought of my daddy as I played this one last Sunday. 

 

God Leads Us Along

 

In shady, green pastures, so rich and so sweet,
God leads His dear children along;
Where the water’s cool flow bathes the weary one’s feet,
God leads His dear children along.

Some through the waters, some through the flood,
Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
In the night season and all the day long.

Sometimes on the mount where the sun shines so bright,
God leads His dear children along;
Sometimes in the valley, in darkest of night,
God leads His dear children along.Though sorrows befall us and evils oppose,
God leads His dear children along;
Through grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes,
God leads His dear children along.
Away from the mire, and away from the clay,
God leads His dear children along;
Away up in glory, eternity’s day,
God leads His dear children along.

 

Just reading the words to this hymn reminds me that I should be so grateful for the times I had with him, for the life that we had, and that I should embrace those memories and just shine.  Shine for Jesus and shine for Daddy.  Cause Heaven knows, he's just a shining in  God's presence right now.  I can see that happy, peaceful smile on his face.  Shining. 

 

I'm going to keep getting sad, no doubt, but I'm going to try to have a better attitude about it all, too.  And while I'm at it, I want to pray more.  To think of others more.  To do more.  To be  patient more.  To be joyful more. To be a light in this dark world.  I need to shine.  Just shine.  It's what he (and He) would want. 

 

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."  Matthew 5:16