Just Shine

 

When Michael works nights, it's just me and Cohen.  For some reason, I get sadder during these times, contemplating life without my dad.  It's just such a hard thing to understand.  To grasp.  To accept.  To even acknowledge.  Sometimes it's easier just to not think about it. Death is part of life; even the preacher said tonight- everyone is terminal.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  

 

I feel so bad when I lay down with Cohen some nights because sometimes (not that often, before you go judging me)  I literally just start bawling.  Poor baby- having to deal with his momma acting like that.  But God has given him the sweetest heart (most of the time, :-)) and he automatically knows why I'm crying.  "You miss Pawpaw Gene, Mommy?  It'll be okay, Mommy.  It'll be okay."   He tells me that over and over.  How blessed I am by him.  My daddy would think that's the sweetest thing ever.

 

My grandma was telling me how lucky she was to have him for 56 years; how thankful she was that God loaned him that long instead of just 6 or 16.  I'm thankful for the 31 years I had with him, but it wasn't enough.  Apparently to God it was, and I accept that, but I'm still sad about it.  And I think I'll always be sad about it, honestly. 

 

People say it gets  easier, but so far, I just see it getting harder as the days go by.  It makes me worry about all my loved ones dying.  And I know that's no good, but that's just how it is. And the dreams I have.  Oh the dreams I have.  Sometimes I feel robbed of my sleep because of the dreams.  I'm hoping this will all pass, hoping it's just part of it. 

 

As I've written before, playing the piano is my time with Jesus.  I should play more. I'm so thankful that I have this  special communication with Jesus.   Before I play on Sunday mornings, I like to read the words to the song I'm playing.  Hymns are right up there with scripture to me.  Full of good stuff.  Overflowing with uplifting, comforting words. You can't find words like that anywhere else.  I thought of my daddy as I played this one last Sunday. 

 

God Leads Us Along

 

In shady, green pastures, so rich and so sweet,
God leads His dear children along;
Where the water’s cool flow bathes the weary one’s feet,
God leads His dear children along.

Some through the waters, some through the flood,
Some through the fire, but all through the blood;
Some through great sorrow, but God gives a song,
In the night season and all the day long.

Sometimes on the mount where the sun shines so bright,
God leads His dear children along;
Sometimes in the valley, in darkest of night,
God leads His dear children along.Though sorrows befall us and evils oppose,
God leads His dear children along;
Through grace we can conquer, defeat all our foes,
God leads His dear children along.
Away from the mire, and away from the clay,
God leads His dear children along;
Away up in glory, eternity’s day,
God leads His dear children along.

 

Just reading the words to this hymn reminds me that I should be so grateful for the times I had with him, for the life that we had, and that I should embrace those memories and just shine.  Shine for Jesus and shine for Daddy.  Cause Heaven knows, he's just a shining in  God's presence right now.  I can see that happy, peaceful smile on his face.  Shining. 

 

I'm going to keep getting sad, no doubt, but I'm going to try to have a better attitude about it all, too.  And while I'm at it, I want to pray more.  To think of others more.  To do more.  To be  patient more.  To be joyful more. To be a light in this dark world.  I need to shine.  Just shine.  It's what he (and He) would want. 

 

"In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your Father in heaven."  Matthew 5:16

 

 

 

To Remember

I was just having a normal Tuesday.  Nothing special.  We have to give our students practice test questions every day. We have to review them, grade them, then record the percentage of correct answers on a spreadsheet.  We do this Every.Single.Day.  Three times a day, too, since we switch classes. Blah.  Anyways, I was calculating today's percentage in my last class- just kinda daydreaming as I did it. It only takes a minute. 

 

And it apparently takes less than that to sidesweep me into a state of sadness.  Utter, deep, deep, devastating sadness.  While I was calculating, a thought popped into my head, "I haven't talked to Dad in forever.  I need to call him when I get off."

 

UGGGHHHHH.  It broke my heart to remember.  I started crying, and by all means, I was trying my best to control it and not the let the tears fall down my face.  After all, I was in front of my sixth graders.  But I couldn't control it. Y'all, nothing is worse than that feeling.  Remembering, "Oh!  That's right!  I won't ever be able to call him and hear his voice again."  UGGGGHHH.  IT IS THE WORST.  I don't want to forget again because then I'll have to remember. 

 

I miss you, Dad.  I want to talk to you so  bad.  I love you.  With all my heart. 

 

Being a Boy's Mom

 

I'm really supposed to be long asleep by now, but I got distracted. It's thundering and my sweet cat George can't stand the thunder. I wasn't sure if he was outside or not, so I've been calling for him and looking under the beds with the flashlight- when suddenly my light shone brightly on what looks exactly like a dried up dead mouse. Especially when one doesn't have one's contacts in. I panicked. Shaking and trembling, I called Michael on the phone even though he was just in the living room. I was afraid to move. To breathe. I told him to get back in our room ASAP to excavate this creature... Oh, being the mom of a boy is going to give me a heart attack.

 

 

 

 

Cohen is in his room talking to this picture of Jesus. "How's your day, Jesus? You want to go hunting, Jesus? Did you see a deer? Back that tractor up, Jesus."

 

 

 

 

 

My dad gave Cohen this cowboy hat. It rides in the car with us everywhere we go now. Just in case we get in cowboy mode. You never know. Always gotta be prepared.

 

 

 

A Little Cohen Talk

                                                      Some of Cohen's conversations: 

 

I put him in the car today, "Hello, Darling," he says to me.  :-)

 

Heard him in the hall playing with his trucks:  "Hey, God.  Help  Nate Nate feel better.  He needs to stop peeing on the floor.  Hey, God.  Tell PawPaw Gene hey.  He's in Heaven."

 

He told me one night that PawPaw Gene was in Heaven having lots of fun playing with lots of toys.

 

In the car the other day, he said, "Where's PawPaw Gene, Mommy?" 

And I told him he knew where he was. 

He said, "He's in Heaven.  I wanna see Heaven, Mommy."

"We can't see Heaven, Cohen."

"So PawPaw has a flashlight so he can see, Mommy?"

 

 

Overheard him in his room tonight.  He had this Bible storybook laid out on the floor talking to the picture of Jesus. 

"How's your day, Jesus? You want to go hunting?  You see any deer, Jesus?  Back that tractor up, Jesus."

When I get sad about Dad, he says, "You sad, Mommy?  You miss PawPaw? Here, Mommy.  Here's one of my babies."  He'll give me one of his babies and wrap one of his blankets around me.  And he's obsessed with those babies.  Especially baby duck- the white one pictured below.  So when he gives me that one, I know I'm lucky.

 

 

A little conversation with George. 

 

 
I must write down what he says more often.  He cracks me up and amazes me with the stuff he says sometimes.  I need it to remember these days.  I'm so blessed by him.

Easter fun!

Easter pictures this year went better than ever before!  First the Easter Bunny picture:

Went way better than last year's!  Haha!

What a difference a year makes!
Speaking of...

Last year's spring pictures- Look at that sweet baby!

And this year's spring pictures!  He's grown so much!  And we love Mrs. Ollie Jean.  She's awesome.

 

 

And we had lots of Easter fun with our buddies Leigh Parker and Brett Daniel.  They painted crosses and of course, the day wouldn't be complete without painting ourselves!  Love these kids!

 

 

The finished product! How cute!!!

 

 

 

 

And we dyed Easter eggs with the family!  It was quite interesting.  Michael is not as laid back as me when it comes to messes and has a tendency to become a little uptight and easily agitated.  But it's okay; there's lots that he's way better at than me.  So...we dyed them as a family one day...

 

 

 I baked the eggs in the oven as suggested on pinterest.  Worked out good to me!

 

 

 

 

And then Cohen and I painted them by ourselves the next day.  Much more relaxing. 

 

 

Four official Easter egg hunts:

 

Preschool Egg Hunt at Church

 

Egg Hunt at ERDC

 

 

Egg Hunt at Daycare

 

 

And Egg Hunt with the Family

 

 

 

 

Easter Sunday at church:

 

 

Such a good daddy!  Loves his boy!

 

Love this kid!

 

 

Love my family!

 

 

And almost forgot- Cohen and I made an Easter banner.  Loved it!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Faithfulness

Great is Thy Faithfulness

 

Great is Thy faithfulness,” O God my Father,
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not
As Thou hast been Thou forever wilt be.

“Great is Thy faithfulness!” “Great is Thy faithfulness!“
  Morning by morning new mercies I see;
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided—
    “Great is Thy faithfulness,” Lord, unto me!

Summer and winter, and springtime and harvest,
Sun, moon and stars in their courses above,
Join with all nature in manifold witness
To Thy great faithfulness, mercy and love.

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth,
Thy own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

It is of the Lord's mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not.

 They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:22-23
 

 There's one thing I can count on in this world.  One thing that will never change.  No matter what, it'll always be there.  Nothing will make it disappear.  God's great faithfulness.  He'll never forsake me.  He's my refuge and strength, the source of my salvation, in Him will I place my trust, whom shall I fear? The Lord thy God is with me.  Always.

I love the word refuge. It's truly one of my favorite words.  When I hear it, I automatically  hear the verse,  "God is our refuge and strength,  a very present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1   Refuge:shelter or protection from danger or distress.  It doesn't get any clearer than that.  He's there, waiting with open arms for us to come and lay our heads down and rest in Him.  Just rest in Him.  He's going to take care of us.  He's faithful.  Always. 

You are my hiding place;
    you will protect me from trouble
    and surround me with songs of deliverance. Psalm 32:7 

 

Dear God, be our hiding place.   Let us rest in You.  Deliver us.  Let us have faithfulness in You like never before.   

 

One of Dad's letters said, "If you want to be truly happy in this life, stay close to God.  Read your Bible and pray.  Share some of God's love with another person on a daily basis.  Don't look for what you can get, rather look for what you can give. 

We love you and miss you, Dad.  Thank you for teaching us about God's great faithfulness.  You are near to our hearts.  Always.

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.



 

Matthew 5:4 "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted."

 

Yesterday marked two months that my dad has been gone.  I missed him so much yesterday, and I didn't even think about the date until today.  I wrote about the hymn "Rock of Ages" in my last blog and how those words kept replaying in my head- "While I draw this fleeting breath, when mine eyes shall close in death, when I soar to worlds unknown, see thee on thy judgment throne, Rock of Ages, cleft for me, let me hide myself in Thee."  I love these words, but it breaks my heart at the same time.  Yesterday, that was one of our hymns at church and it broke me to play it.  It really, really made me sad. 

 

But it's okay to be sad.  It's okay to mourn.  It's okay to be broken.  My dad would say it's okay because that means we have to go to Jesus for comfort, for peace, for guidance.  It means that Jesus is waiting with open arms to embrace us and be there for us.  There's not a doubt in my mind if I talked to him right now, that's what Dad would say.  And it's what he would want us to do.  It's Who he would want us to turn to.

 

I've been thinking that he can look down on us from Heaven and that he's watching us, until today.  I don't know if he is or not, but I kinda think he's too busy praising Jesus right now.  I also think that looking down on me might make him kinda sad, you know?  He probably wouldn't want me to be so heavy hearted and broken.  He would want his death to be something that makes me want to be a better person.  He would want something, lots of things, good to come from it.  If he were able to see all the times that I mess up, or the times that I sit and cry, it would just make him sad, and the Bible clearly states there are no more tears in Heaven.  Maybe he can see us; maybe he can't.  But if he can, I need to be giving him something to smile about.  I love the song that comes from Psalm 19:14:

 

"May the words of my mouth and thoughts of my heart bless Your name, bless Your name, Jesus, And the deeds of the day and the truth in my ways speak of You, speak of You, Jesus

For this is what I'm glad to do, it's time to live a life of love that please You

And I will give my all to You, surrender everything I have and follow You, I'll follow You."

 

That would be my dad's prayer for us, without a doubt.  And it's my prayer, too. 

 

I finally got my pictures off of my old phone.  Here are some of Cohen and Daddy.  Cohen loves talking about PawPaw.  He told me the other night on the way home from church that he wanted to go up in the sky so he could see PawPaw.  And today he told me he just wanted to talk to PawPaw Gene.  Me too, baby boy, me too.  I wish we could've had him just a little longer.