"I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

"Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

 

This crazy world.  If I'm not careful, it'll drag the life out of me.  It attacks at every opportunity, ready to snatch the shine right out of me.  I have good intentions, truly I do.  Every single day.  I start my day praying on the way to school, earnestly wanting to be what God wants me to be.   But I keep feeling like I'm missing the mark.  I'm falling short.  I'm letting the world get the best of me instead of Jesus getting the best of me.  Ouch.  But it's true.  I'm so caught up trying to do my job right- all of my jobs- that I forget to just give it to Jesus.  I forget to be still.  I forget to rest in Him.  And what does that lead to?  A scattered, nervous, stressful, dark Ashley.  Lights out. 

 

But I need the light on.  I have a little boy that needs me to be a light for him.  I have a husband that needs me to be a light.  I have a group of precious children at church that need me to be a light.  I have family that needs me to be a light.  And I have students at school that need me to be a light.  All these people- I need to be shining with the love of Jesus. With all the demands, all the pressure, all the protocol, all the expectations, all the what ifs, all the what nows, all of the unknowns, I'm still supposed to shine.  I'm at my mission field every day.  But where's my heart?  It's so caught up in trying to get things right, that I forget to just be me.  Just rest in Him, Ashley.  He's calling.  He's whispering, "Rest in Me."  I forget to give it to Him.  To trust Him. 

 

I'm going to just keep on trying.  That's the thing about Jesus.  He's always there, arms wide open, ready to forgive and comfort.  He's always faithful.  He always provides. 

 

I played an offertory yesterday based on the hymn "Be Still My Soul."  My heart literally hurt as I sang the words in my head as I played.  He has a plan.  The future is His.  I will rest in Him.

 

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, believing, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

 

 

 

 

It's my birthday. And exactly 6 months since my dad died. Don't think that didn't get past me.

It's my birthday.  And exactly 6 months since my dad died.  Don't think that didn't get past me.  Oh, how I miss him.  How I miss his phone calls, his text messages, his sweet smile, his concern for me, his love for me.  It's my first birthday in my whole entire life without talking to my daddy.  I never even thought it was a possibility he would be gone so stinking soon.  But gone he is, gone to something far grander than this life had to offer. 

I've been reading his letters tonight, absorbing the words and relishing in his thoughts for me.  I grasp onto them for comfort, to find the love that I'm missing, the love that can only come from my daddy.  I look for solace amongst his eloquent handwriting, the slope of his penmanship, the love that poured on the paper through the overflowing words of his heart.  How special those words are to me.  How I will always treasure them. I will pour over them for years to come, longing to feel just a piece of him with me.  And as I do, I will feel a peace that I was loved.  Unconditionally.  Abundantly. 

To have an earthly father like I did was a special blessing.  And to have a Heavenly Father like I have is so promising.  As I read the letters from my dad, I also pour my soul into his Bible, looking for comforting scriptures, for hope, for joy, for peace, for renewal of my heart.  As I read my Heavenly Father's letters to me,  I'm overwhelmed with comfort, I find the love that I'm missing, the love that can only come from my Father.  My Jesus.  How special those words are to me. How I will always treasure them.  I will memorize the words so that I can pour over them in times of sadness, in times of distress, in times of needed hope.  And as I do, I know I will feel a peace that I was loved.  Unconditionally, abundantly, and eternally. 

2 fathers.  One earthly.  One Heavenly.    Blessed.   

Dear Jesus,
I long to be perfectly whole.  I want Thee forever to live in my soul.  Thank you for washing me, washing me whiter than snow. Please instill in me the eagerness to dive into your Word, to study it, to know it.  To study myself approved unto You, to hide Your word in my heart, to live unabashedly for You.  To shine.  Just shine.  And tell my daddy I love him.  Tell him how proud I am of him.  I love you, Lord. 

A birthday card from my dad.  I've shared it before, but it's a great one to read again.

Ashley,

 

I hope this day will be a happy day for you.  You bring such joy and happiness to my life.  The Lord truly blessed me when he sent you to me.

 

I am so very proud of you.  You have a loving spirit that is very refreshing in the day in which we live. 

 

I love you so very much that words cannot express the depth of my love for you.  Always remember no matter how old you get that you are Daddy's little girl.  Daddy will always be here for you!

 

Birthdays come and go and the presents you get, they sometimes lose their luster, so I want to give you a gift that will last forever.  What is it?  It is some advice.  Are you ready?  Ok.

 

If you want to be truly happy in this life, stay very close to God.  Read your Bible and pray.  Share some of God's love with another person on a daily basis.  Don't look for what you can get but rather look for what you can give. 

 

And remember,

Daddy loves you!

 

Dad, you were really challenging me with that.  But I'm going to try.   It seems like every day something tries to get in the way, and that I fall short, but I'm going to figure it out.  One day at a time.  I miss you, Dad. I miss you so, so much.  I know when I sing or play this last stanza of "How Great Thou Art" that this is exactly what you did upon entering Heaven's gates. 

 

When Christ shall come,

With shouts of acclamation,

And take me home,

What joy shall fill my heart!

Then I shall bow

In humble adoration

And there proclaim,

"My God, how great Thou art!"

 



I Bid Farewell to the Way of the World

It seems like every Sunday as I'm playing the hymns during church that I'm reminded of my dad.  There is always some stanza that just touches me and brings me comfort in the fact that although I miss my dad terribly, he's home.  I'm so glad that I'm exactly where I'm at every Sunday on that piano bench because it brings me peace.  I'm so grateful for hymns.  The song that tugged at my heart Sunday totally took me by surprise because it's more upbeat and joyful sounding than the usual ones that get to me. It was "The Way of the Cross Leads Home."

 

"Then I bid farewell to the way of the world,
To walk in it never more;
For the Lord says, “Come,” and I seek my home,
Where He  waits at the open door.

 

The way of the cross leads home,
The way of the cross leads home,
It is sweet to know as I onward go,
The way of the cross leads home."

 

 

This was the last stanza, and I could just see my dad humming this as he goes about his day in heaven.  I could see a happy, peaceful smile on his face. I remember thinking when I was younger that my dad looked "jolly" when he smiled.  That's seriously the word that popped in my mind, too. And it was what popped in my mind Sunday morning.  I haven't thought about that in a long time.  It brought me comfort and reminded me again that while my heart aches, his is whole and perfect. 

 

I've been missing him an awful lot lately.  There's nothing to say or do to make it better; it is what it is.  I found this Bible of his on my bookshelf.  I'm not sure how I ended up with it, except that I think I probably liked  the size of it and decided to keep it for myself years ago, but regardless, he had marked a few scriptures in it.  It's neat to look for the ones with markings on it, highlighters through it, and notes beside it.  He hadn't used this Bible very much (I guess I swiped it before he could put too many marks on it), so it's not a lot, but it's like a scavenger hunt to find them and try to get a glimpse of what he was feeling at the time.  One verse marked is Isaiah 26:3, "Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee. Trust ye in the Lord forever; for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength."  I love this.  I felt like I found a gold mine the first time I saw it.  God provides comfort, and that's a fact.  Below is a beautiful psalm I came across while looking for my dad's marked scriptures. 

 

Psalm 42

 

¹ As the deer pants for streams of water,
    so my soul pants for you, my God.
² My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
    When can I go and meet with God?
³ My tears have been my food
    day and night,
while people say to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”
⁴ These things I remember
    as I pour out my soul:
how I used to go to the house of God
    under the protection of the Mighty One^[d]
with shouts of joy and praise
    among the festive throng.

⁵ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

⁶ My soul is downcast within me;
    therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
    the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.
⁷ Deep calls to deep
    in the roar of your waterfalls;
all your waves and breakers
    have swept over me.

⁸ By day the Lord directs his love,
    at night his song is with me—
    a prayer to the God of my life.

⁹ I say to God my Rock,
    “Why have you forgotten me?
Why must I go about mourning,
    oppressed by the enemy?”
¹⁰ My bones suffer mortal agony
    as my foes taunt me,
saying to me all day long,
    “Where is your God?”

¹¹ Why, my soul, are you downcast?
    Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
    for I will yet praise him,
    my Savior and my God.

 

Thank you God, for your comforting words.  Thank you for being my Savior and my God.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for everlasting strength.  Thank you for the assurance that my dad is happy and just downright jolly.  How could he not be?  He's with You. 

Miss Him

It's been three years.  Three years at this time I was in labor.  31 hours to be exact.  I'm not soon forgetting it, either.  My grandma Bryant and Michael's grandma Coomes stayed the whole time.  Bless their hearts.  My grandma wanted so bad for that baby to be born on her birthday- July 21, and trust me, so did I.  But it just wasn't meant to be.  I can't believe it's been three years now that I've gotten to be a momma.  I absolutely love it.  It's the most fun thing I've ever done.  It's the most exhausting, but the most exhilarating time of my life.  It's the most challenging, yet most rewarding.  I love my little Cohen.



Newborn sweet baby!

 

Cohen's 1st birthday!

                                                                       Cohen's 2!

                                                                     This year- silly boy

I've been getting ready for Cohen's birthday party tomorrow.  But my heart aches because my dad won't be here.  I miss him so much.  I. Miss. Him.  I just miss him.  I missed him last week on vacation- I would always call him and check in and tell him how it was going.  I missed that. I wanted to tell him how much fun we were having, how pretty the water was, just hear his voice.  A part of me is missing.  Not having him there tomorrow will make my heart ache .  Cohen not knowing his pawpaw makes my heart break.  I just can't believe he's still gone.  Gone forever.  It stinks.  I missed him yesterday, I miss him today, and I'm going to miss him still tomorrow.  I wish he were still here.  I wish we had known his heart hurt.  I wish we could've helped him. 

It's been one year since I took these picture.  Last year, on July 21, we had a birthday celebration for my Grandma Bryant.  A big fish fry. I'm glad I took these sweet pictures.  Dad was so tired the next day at Cohen's birthday party.  I still have the text he sent me telling me he was sorry he left early.  I wish I could get another text from him. 

I know without a doubt that Dad's in a better place.  The best place.  I know he's loving it.  But it's going to take me a while to get used to him not being here.  I can't even talk about him without crying.  That's why I blog.  I can talk about it here.  I can say what I need to say and feel better. 


 

Sweet Dreams

All my life I've been a dreamer.  Not just figuratively, either, :-).  Very much literally.  I have wild, crazy dreams, and it amazes me the details that I can remember from these dreams.   Dreams can totally mess with one's head, you know.  Some of them can feel so real- emotions can run so high; it's just truly exhausting to sleep some nights.  Haha, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but sometimes I do feel a little worn out after all of my night escapades.  

 

I have mixed feelings about my dreams.  Some of them leave me feeling content, happy, excited- but others suck the life right out of me.  I don't have those very often, thank goodness.  I just wanted to write about my dream last night.  I wish more than anything it was a video, so I could play it again and again because, as with any dream, it will fade with time.  I've been hanging on to it all day.

 

I was with some friends at a strange house, and I was going on and on about my life, describing all of the things that were happening and telling them about how happy I was.  These people knew all of this about me, so I couldn't figure out why I kept on telling them, until I noticed someone in the corner.  It was my dad sitting in his old recliner from years ago.  I was going on and on because I wanted him to hear me, wanted him to be proud of me.  And then he did pull me to the side, gave me a hug, and told me he was so proud of me and the life I had. 

 

The dream went on; of course I can't remember all of the details, but I remember the last part vividly.  I asked him if he was coming to Cohen's birthday party, and he said he wouldn't miss it for the world.  He was standing at the counter reading the newspaper.  I broke down and just started crying, telling him how sorry I was for not spending more time with him.  It was one of those really awful dream cries, where you're heaving and can barely breathe.  He put the paper down, looked at me, and said, "Now you know, Ashley Nicole, that no matter what ever happens in this life, nothing could ever change how much I love you.  Nothing. You mean the world to me."  It was just so real.  I literally woke up crying.  I miss him so much.

 

I'm writing about this dream because I don't ever want to forget it.  It was like he was really here.  I need to remember it.  It was like he came to see me last night.  I know that he didn't really, but it was just so comforting.  Even though it has made me feel so sad today, at the same time, to have a conversation with him, even if it was in my dream, was just so wonderful.  And I've had other dreams about him, but they were much sadder, and I'd rather let them go.  This one was a gentle reminder of who he was.  My daddy.  Oh, I wish he were here to hug me.  To tell me he loves me one more time. 

 

Blessed are those who mourn, 

For they shall be comforted.

Matthew 5:4

 

 

  


                                                  These from last year's fourth of July. 

 

 

 

 

 

Just some family photos

Nothing deep tonight.  Just pictures! I was looking through the pictures on my old computer, and I forgot I had some of these. 

Miss him so much!

 

At the pumpkin patch in October

 

Corey and Dad frying fish for Grandma's surprise birthday party

 

 

Wearing one of Papa's hats

 

 

 

 

Dad, Teresa, and Cohen...if only Cohen was cooperating...

 

 

Lucky to have these two awesome grandma's!!!

 

This would be a great photo if my sunglasses weren't right in the way. What a photographer.

 

 

So lucky to have all of this great family!

 

Love this picture of my mom and Jimmy and Batman

 

 

Shopping and riding the carousel in Monroe

Que Sera Sera

"Que Sera, Sera,

Whatever will be, will be

The future's not ours, to see

Que Sera, Sera

What will be, will be."

 

I have been so abundantly blessed with the greatest family ever.  I grew up with all of my grandparents, and the memories I have with them are absolutely priceless.  My grandma Jeter has filled my life with adventures and fun times.  The memories I have with her are something that I hold dear to my heart.  One of my fondest memories I have with her is while my parents were getting divorced; she was so concerned about me.  She would sing to me "Que Sera, Sera" over and over again.  I'll never forget the sound of her singing that to me.

 

This week we've had Vacation Bible School, and it's been the greatest blessing to me to watch all of the adults give their time and energy so freely.  And all while keeping smiles on their faces.  It warms my heart to see the children run around excited, laughing, making memories, all while learning about God's love- not just through the Bible story, either, but by the way the people of the church are treating them. It amazes me every year to be a part of it, and I'm blessed to be a part of such an incredible sweet, sweet church. 

 

I thought it was neat that this year's Bible school lessons were all about the apostle Paul.  Bro. Billy said something Friday night in our opening service that really comforted me with the sorrow I have about my dad.  He quoted a Bible verse I've heard hundreds of times, but this time, it brought tears to my eyes and peace to my heart.  It's something Paul said,   ^""For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain." Philippians 1:21  As soon as he said it, I knew that my dad would completely agree.  I could see him with a little smile on his face, nodding in total agreement.  While we miss him so much here, he's definitely, without a doubt, got the better deal.  As soon as he said it, I could see my dad sitting with Paul and talking about that verse.  I bet he has.  Or if not, he soon will. 

 

So thank you, God, for constant reminders in the midst of this crazy life that you have a plan. Thank you for sending the right people at the right time to say the right thing to ease my soul. Your future for us is much more than I could ever imagine. Our future is not our own, but Yours.  I will trust in You.  I love you, and please tell my daddy I love him, too. 

 

Que sera, sera, whatever will be will be...

Jeremiah 29:11 - 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'