Wednesday, March 27, 2013

The Old Has Gone; The New Is Here

My dad and Teresa bought this tree for Michael for his birthday a few years ago.  Neither of us our good at yard work, so when it survived the first year, I think we both were in shock.  This fall, in October, in a futile attempt to correct our septic system problems, we put new field lines down.  I was sad because that meant we had to move the tree.  Off to the backyard it went- forgotten. Literally.  I didn't even think about that tree until last week when I was walking around the yard, mesmerized by the newest and most perfect septic solution- our treatment plant. We are so proud of that, haha! I saw the tree, and I automatically teared up, so mad at myself that I hadn't watered it or even checked on it. That's how everything is now that has a connection with my dad.  I want to take extra special care of it.  I thought the tree was dead- it certainly looked dead, but I bent back a limb just to see.  It was green!  I was so excited.  And then today when I looked at it, I saw several blooms.  That's God. He's everywhere, and He answers prayers of a broken heart in the most simple ways- like through the life and beauty of this tree. And He reminds me of the life my dad has now.  2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come.  The old has gone, the new is here!"

Cohen keeps telling me lately, "Mommy, I love Jesus."  It's the sweetest thing and the sweetest words, and that's just how I feel.  I love you, Jesus.  You are my Comforter, my Healer, my Lord and King, my Redeemer.  You are my Immanuel, my Savior, my Listener, my Hiding Place.  Thank you, Jesus, for showing Your presence to me today in a special way. 

I miss my daddy.  I look for him everywhere I go,  and  I still think that it might be him when my phone lights up.  More than anything, I'm thankful that he gave me the spiritual background that I need to carry me through this.  I'm so glad he and my mom  made sure we were in church all the time.  Because you know what comforts me the most?  The simple hymns that we grew up singing.  I get sad, and one will inevitably pop in my head. 

This is the one that's been playing in my head nonstop lately. "Rock of Ages."  Let me hide myself in Thee. 

While I draw this fleeting breath,
when mine eyelids close in death,
when I soar through tracts unknown
see thee on thy judgment throne,
Rock of ages, cleft for me,
let me hide myself in thee.

Saturday, March 9, 2013

Spring is Flying in!

I absolutely love this time of year, especially now that I have a child.  Exploring new things with him and for him brings joy to my  heart.  He is happiness to me.  We started out the week flying kites.

Love that smile!

We started our Easter decorations this week, too.  I love making crafts, and he's my excuse for being able to do it all the time.  Although I love doing it, I'm quite messy about it and nothing is ever absolutely put together.  But that's okay.  He's having fun and so am I.
****okay I had all of these pictures I was going to put on here of him making his egg decorations and I can't get them to load.  I need a blogging lesson ASAP.  I'll try to figure it out later.


Monday, March 4, 2013

Still Grieving

Back at Christmas, during our Bunko party, we started talking about blogs and I told them how I wanted to start blogging.  I wanted to be a blogger. As obsessed as I am with my kid, I somehow let the whole baby book thing fall to the wayside- as in it's blank. BLANK.  Oops.  This is so not like me. So I thought blogging would be an excellent outlet to record all the cute and funny things he says and does.  Along with Facebook, haha.  So I went home and created a blog, still unsure of exactly how the whole thing would work.

God had a plan, didn't He?  Not even two months later, the blog has become a refuge for me.  I had no idea then that God had His master plan at work through something so simple.  Dealing with my dad's death has been so very hard.  I'm almost in denial about it, I think.  Either that, or I'm so totally comforted and at peace- I can't distinguish the two.  Maybe it's both.  But regardless, writing my feelings down has been the best thing to help me throughout this whole process.  This process I was not ready for. 

God had a plan, and it's selfish of me, but I simply don't like it.  I know Dad wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now, but I want him here just a little longer.  I've written before about that last night I saw him- how I was chasing Cohen around the yard, but what I didn't say is I didn't hug him that night.  I'm so mad at myself for that.  Why didn't I take the time to hug him?  Why didn't I call him more, text him more, stop by more?  I'm so mad at myself. 

Based on what everyone says, regret is part of it.  Even if I had been the best daughter in the world, I would have regrets.  But it doesn't make me feel better right now.  Right now, I just miss my dad.  I want a hug and I want to see his smile.  I want to feel his unconditional love.  I want him to ask about his boy.  I want, I want, I want. I want him here.  I just can't believe he's not.  And that he'll never be here again. 

So I'll just keep going to the Father for comfort and assurance. There's not another option.

 Matthew 11:28-30
28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

I will rest in Thee.  I will rest in Thee. 

Regardless of all my sad emotions, the flip side is that 80% of the time, I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding.  The peace of Christ.  Thank God for His peace.  It just so happens that right now, I'm feeling the 20% sorrowful time.   The scriptures below would make my dad smile. 

1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

13 But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
14 For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
15 For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
16 For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
17 Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
18 Wherefore comfort one another with these words.

And one day, we'll be face to face again.  I'm thankful that through this heartbroken time, I have pulled out my Bible more and talked to the Lord more.  This song below is just what I needed to hear yesterday.  Cry out to Jesus.