Monday, March 3, 2014

Demands My Soul, My Life, My All

Love So Amazing, So Divine.  Demands My Soul, My Life, My All
I read a blog today about a girl who started blogging after her dad died.  She called it her self-therapy, and the way she described it pretty much summed up how I feel.  During the year after my dad died, I feel I have poured myself and my grief into this blog, turning this process into a tangible product that I can look back on for years to come and see how God was working in my life through this time.  
It was December 2012 at one of our Bunko meetings that we were discussing blogs, and I decided that night even though I knew nothing about blogging, I was going to start writing one.  I figured surely I had something to say.  So I wrote a couple of them...deciding I didn't have much to say after all.  But then in February 2013, just 2 months later, my dad died, and God showed me that he had a plan for this blog after all.  He has allowed it to be an integral part of my grieving process, experiencing emotions and pain like I've never had to before.  But through this, He has provided the relief, the healing, the sounding board that I so desperately needed, right through this keyboard, onto this screen.  He orchestrates, y'all.  He never stops orchestrating.
I haven't blogged lately, not because I'm through feeling sad about my dad, but simply because blogging about this is exhausting.  It wears me out.  The relief I get when it's finally over can't be put into words; it's definitely healing.  But still, it's simply exhausting.  I've been so tired from life lately, that I just can't handle it. My mom sent me this quote that she read, "Grief never ends...but it changes. It's a passage, not a place to stay. Grief is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of is the price of love."  How beautiful.  How true. 
For the past couple of weeks, I've just been sick back and forth with all these different things.  I think I'm better, then, BAM! It hits me again.  I'm pretty sick of it, to be honest.  Everyone always says you just want your momma when you don't feel good.  Except when you don't have your dad anymore.  Then you just want him.  At least that's how I've felt lately.  Not that I don't want my momma.  Nothing is like my mom's love.  But not being able to call my daddy...that's tough. 
So of course, when I'm down and out, I read his Bible.  Read his notes.  Read his thoughts.  And that leads me to His thoughts- the ones I'm supposed to be dwelling on.  Man, I need Jesus.  I need Him more, I need to be focused on Him more, consumed with Him more.  This world is so great at getting me's ridiculous.  Before I know it, my day is over, and I've lost sight of my mission.  To shine. 
 I played a song yesterday- "The Wonderful Cross"  and it has "When I Survey the Wonderful Cross" mixed in with it.  I have a strong love for hymns.  They speak to me.  If you've ever read my blog, you know that before I play my song on Sunday, I always look up the words to the song even if I know them by heart...just to remind me of why I'm playing and Who I'm playing for.  The last stanza of "When I Survey" is astounding to me.  It moves me. "Love so amazing, so divine.  Demands my soul, my life, my all."  His love demands my all.  And that's simply all there is to it. 
That last stanza has resonated in my mind for almost 48 hours straight.  Then tonight I flip open a journal my dad has written notes in, and this is the page I see, written by him.  "To know God, I must study Jesus and His teachings.  God's creation is not to be worshiped.  But God is.  Jesus has fulfilled all.  You will never study too long.  You will never learn enough.  Has God worked in your life this week?  My life is not about what I want.  It's about glorifying the Father through Jesus.  The Holy Spirit will guide me.  But I must surrender my life to Him."  He has referenced at the top of the page John 14:6-25.  My favorite part of these verses:  "The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him.  But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you.  I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.  Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me.  Because I live, you also will live." 
God never ceases to amaze He shows Himself to me in the quietest moments.  He's got this.  He's got the whole world.  All in His hands.  And His love demands my soul, my life, my all.