Today marks one year since I've heard my dad's voice. One year ago today I talked to him for what would be the last phone call we'd ever have. I know I shouldn't get hung up on dates, but right now, that's what is real to me.
I've been in a slump lately. It's been pretty bad. It happens to all of us at some point, at least I like to think it does, but lately, I just can't snap out of it. I'm overcome with darkness; my light has been extinguished- well, maybe not "extinguished," but it's absolutely positively dimmed quite a bit. It pains me to feel this way; it pains me that I cannot stop. I've been robbed of my joy- it's been replaced with anxiety, worry, sadness, fear... I can't get it to stop. It's Satan's best attempt to yank me down, and the pull is so great, so fierce, that I find myself letting go. It eats away at me, nags at my soul, wears me down, down, down. Deeper, deeper, deeper. I can't get it to stop.
I tell myself to get over it, stop acting like this, just stop!! I ask myself why? Why won't it stop? I tell myself to quit being so ridiculous. Outwardly, I see the foolishness of the way I'm feeling, but inwardly, I can't stop. I just can't stop.
It's been a long while since I've felt this way. I thought I was past it, never to invite this feeling to come again, but it snuck in. Uninvited, unannounced, unwanted.
I hear God whispering to me, wanting to comfort me. I know He's there, waiting on me to succumb to Him, to rest in His peace. On the way home from church Sunday night, K-love had a special guest speaker- of course, he was addressing mental illness, including depression and anxiety. More people suffer from mental illness than diabetes. He spoke of how Christians are hesitant to talk about these problems for fear that it shows a lack of faith in God, but he stressed how we as Christians NEED to share our battles with others. We need to know we're not alone. And the Bible is full of examples of those that were down and brokenhearted. God loves us, and He's here to rescue us.
I was reading in Deuteronomy earlier- verse 31:8- "The Lord Himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged." It pretty much says it all. I flipped the page to verse 32:10 and was instantly reminded of a great friend and this verse that she shares with so many- "In a desert land he found him, in a barren and howling waste. He shielded him and cared for him: he guarded him as the apple of his eye." How special is that- we're the apple of His eye. To be the apple of God's eye can make anyone feel a little bit of joy, especially for this girl.
It's against my nature to be sad and down. It sucks the life out of me to worry constantly, especially over every little thing. It makes me physically feel bad to overanalyze everything I say and every choice I make. I get mad at myself for worrying so much and for letting it overcome my life. This is a problem that I'll probably deal with the rest of my life because it's a hereditary problem on both sides of my family. I've made it through quite a long time on my own dealing with things pretty well, and I'll be okay soon enough. We all fight these things from time to time, but as long as we know and remember, " I lift my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." I have no doubt I'll snap out of it soon; after all, I have a light that needs to be shining.
As I was researching Bible verses tonight, I stumbled across this video someone made and it has Josh Wilson's song playing- "Fall Apart." The video is full of God's promises and was another gift from Him tonight. He never ceases to amaze me. The link to it is below: