This has been an experience I'm not quite sure I know how to handle. My dad is gone, and I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm having an out-of-body experience. The Ashley I know is not here right now, and it alarms me. Is it okay to not be having the emotional outbursts that would so typically be me, or is trouble brewing for a future breakdown? I'm not sure what's going on. That's just where I'm at.
On one hand, I've got peace- wonderful peace- that my daddy is okay, happy, ECSTATIC to be in Heaven, and I can see that smile that only my daddy has as he's with the angels rejoicing and praising God. I'm so very, very comforted by this. I'm not sure how people get through something like this without that blessed assurance. I praise God for my upbringing- 2 strong Christian parents that instilled in me an unwavering faith. My daddy would want me to say all of these things, too. It would make him proud to hear it. BUUUTTTTTT.....
On the other hand, I want nothing more than to see my phone light up with a text with his sweet words, "How's my girl today?" I'm so mad that I'm never going to get that text again. It's just ridiculous to me. I didn't know that last Wednesday was the last time I was going to talk to him. I'm just so stinking mad.
To cry would mean to mourn, and I'm just not ready. I don't want to face it yet. And that's the bottom line. I'll do it later. I'll do it later.
P.S. I'm ready to have my joy back. ASAP
ReplyDeletePraise God for His promise that joy will come in the morning just like He says in Psalms 30:5. He is faithful. I know it's surreal and hard to put all these things your faith has taught you to actual practice- to actually have FAITH and trust in His promises. But these promises, the ones about helping you through your storms, seeing your Dad again, finding beauty in the ashes.....well, God was thinking of YOU and this exact moment when He made these promises.
ReplyDeleteAshley, you are lucky to have such faith instilled in your life. It's only natural to feel angry or mad. God gets it. Just take some time. And yes, be sure to mourn. It's part of the process. It doesn't mean you are admitting to yourself that he's actually gone. It's just a part of moving on. There is no fun part about any of this. But know that you are loved by many!
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