When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands."
This pain. I want it to stop. I feel so many different things right now, and I think I'd feel better just to let it all out.
First, I have some major internal conflict going on within myself. I am my very own antagonist right now. I have convinced myself that no one needs to know I'm hurting, because after all, people lose loved ones all the time, so just move on, Ashley. Deal with it. You're being ridiculous, I keep telling myself. But you know what? That's MY daddy that's gone. And he's not coming back. My heart literally aches. I'm crushed. How could he just be gone, just like that?
Then, I'm conflicted spiritually. I know that he's wonderfully happy and that I should rejoice in that. And I do rejoice in that, but at the same time, I feel I have been robbed. We all were. And that's probably not okay to feel that way either. But I'm just telling you how I feel right now. Then I'm reminded of this verse...
"And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying; neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things are passed away." Revelation 21:4
Does that bring me comfort? You have no idea. I'm so happy that my dad doesn't have to worry about anything anymore or be in any pain. I'm so happy that he loved the Father and went to Him in times of need and now can be with him for eternity. But that doesn't stop my heart from breaking.
Every time I see one of those yellow digging machines- backhoe or whatever they are called- I tear up and start to feel sick. Every time I pass by his old work place, which is every day, I get sad. Not that he was ever actually there much because he was always on the job, but there was that one particular time that I whipped in on my way home from school so he could check my low tire for me. He'll never be here to do it again.
Oh, the grieving process. I'm not too good at it. But I'm going to try to do better. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding." That will be my prayer.
My dad was a great writer. He had a gift with words. He was an eloquent writer and even had the perfect penmanship to match it. Writing for me is therapy. Just from five minutes ago when I started this blog to right now...I already feel better just writing my thoughts down. We're going to be okay. I just have to let myself be sad and know that no one is judging me. It's okay. It's going to be okay.
That saying "time heals all wounds"...time does somehow make things easier, but it will never heal. my pawpaw has been gone only a little over a year. sometimes it hits me and I cry as I did that morning he took his last breath. the hurt is fresh. I pray you can take a day at the time, and get through this. I can't imagine what you feel losing a parent. I'm so sorry Ashley.
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