I wrote the post below last Tuesday night, the night before my dad's birthday. I cried until 2 in the morning. The grief I feel over my dad's death hasn't diminished. I've not dealt with death very much at all. So this death, the death of one who was so vital in my life, is hitting me hard. I just didn't see it coming. I know it will get better with time, but my sensitive, emotional soul has a hard time with it. After I wrote it, I couldn't post it right away. To most, these are just words on a page, but to me, it's what's in my heart. I decided to post it now because his birthday became a day of God revealing His promises to me. Wednesday, my dad's birthday, was a day of peace. I did all my crying Tuesday, and I could just feel prayers on Wednesday. I could feel the love of God, with His peace that surpasses all understanding.
The words that kept popping in my head all day long were, "He's sustaining me." And He was. Through the funny things my students kept saying, through the good conversations with my coworkers, through my friends at church, through my sweet little kids at church, through my family- through it all, He sustained me. Psalm 54:4 Surely God is my help; the Lord is the one who sustains me.
I thank God for His infinite love. His boundless love. His unconditional love. How blessed I am to have Him. May I be a blessing to Him. That's the real challenge. Let my life be a blessing to you, Lord Jesus.
Well, Dad, it's your day. And I'm just going to go ahead and put it all out there. So hang on. I just don't know where else to start but with the truth.
Truth #1: I'm so mad you aren't here. So stinking mad. I just don't understand how you could go so fast from our lives. I miss you, Dad. I miss you so very very much. I'm still in absolute shock that you died. I mean it- absolute, unbelievable shock. I just can't believe it. It hurts me physically to think that I can never talk to you again. It. hurts. my. soul.
Truth #2: I'm so sad you aren't here. So stinking sad. It's been almost 7 months, and I still cry about you all the time. I can't even talk about you without crying, so I usually just don't go there. I'm so upset about all of this. That's why I blog. It's a ton of bricks lifted off of me every time I blog. I think you would like that I write about all of this. You were a writer, and I can see you and hear you telling me to just go write about it.
Truth 3: You were the best dad this girl could ever ask for. I swell up with pride when I think of you. There could never be another that loves me the way you did. And what a great dad you were to my brother. What a rock you were to us. A listener. A protector. A leader. You did a good job, Dad. We are so proud to call you ours.
Of course, the greatest truth I'm saving for last.
Truth #4: You're having the best birthday of your life right now. 1 Corinthians 2:9 says, "However, as it is written: What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived- the things God prepared for those who love Him." You are seeing it all now, Dad. You're living it. And while my hurt hearts, yours no longer does. Thank God for that- you're free. You're hanging out with all the saints and angels, walking the streets of gold. I wonder if you've made it to Noah yet. Cohen seems to think you have. He told me on the way home the other day that you and Noah were together in Heaven.
I love you, Dad. I was reading your old texts to me, and I came across one from you that says, "You know you will always own my heart." Thank you for always sharing your words with me. I cherish those words.
Happy birthday, Dad. I love you. You'll always be in my heart.
"Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:27
No comments:
Post a Comment