Wednesday, September 3, 2014

Happy Birthday, Dad!

 "Why should I be discouraged and why should the shadows fall?
Why should my heart be lonely and long for heaven and home?
When Jesus is my portion, my constant Friend is He,
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me.
His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."
It's been a while since I've blogged, and I think to be honest, I just needed a break- a break from this heavy, load-bearing journey.  The journey of losing a parent.  It's. So. Incredibly. Hard.  So sometimes, I think a break is needed.  For survival.  For sanity. For growth.  But today is a different story.  I'm taking a time-out from my time-out.  I'm going to spend some time remembering, reflecting, and may even do some rejoicing. So here goes.  I think I'm going to just write a letter to my dad.
Hey Dad!  Today's your day!  (Okay, well it's really tomorrow, but I'm celebrating a little early.  You know I get too excited and always jump ahead of myself, ha!)  Happy birthday, Dad!  This is your second birthday in Heaven.  I can't imagine the celebration that you are having.  I know you are having the time of your life.  I know it's beyond your expectations and that you are so happy and so FREE!  You know, this Sunday, I played "His Eye Is On the Sparrow" just for you.  I was singing it as I played, imagining you with Jesus, Dad, singing these words- "I sing because I'm happy!  I sing because I'm free!  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know he watches me!" 
Oh, Dad, I miss you so much.  We all do.  While I wish you were here so badly, I can't be selfish.  I know that you are home.  You are right where God wants you to be, in His time.  I've struggled a lot the past year and a half since you've been gone.  It's been hard.  I've dealt with major sadness and such huge amounts of worry. I've let the worry consume me at times. A bunch of times. I'm so used to calling you and telling you all of my problems and worries, and you listening, showing your concern, and being there for me.  It's hard not to have you.  It's so hard.  But while I've gone through this hard, terrible process, I've also been learning to release control over these worries and problems and let God have them.  That's so hard, too, and I struggle with it, but I know that is what you would want me to do.  And I know it's something you struggled with, too, but you showed me by the way you lived your life that even though it's hard, letting Jesus have them is the only way to survive and to shine for Him.  I love that I discovered this in your Bible tonight. 
"Every time Satan causes me to stumble and fall.  Every time I am tempted and sin.  Jesus shows satan the wounds and tells him that I belong to Him!  Never will I be useless for I belong to the risen Savior."
This world is so crazy, Dad.  The sicknesses, the cruelty, the turmoil, the ungodliness of the is heartbreaking.  And it's stressful. It's scary thinking that Cohen will grow up in this world. But while I'm here, Dad, I'm going to keep trying to shine.  Sometimes I lose my focus and I get distracted, but shine, I must.  This world needs light.  And Dad, "Never will I be useless- for I belong to the Savior!"  What a gift you were to us.  And what a gift you still are.  You are living on in us every day, Dad.  You inspire me to be a better Christian.  Your faith moves me.  I can't wait until we are all together in Heaven.  What a wonderful day that will be.
I was looking at one of your cards that you gave me tonight...

And you wrote, "Life just wouldn't be the same without you.  I love you so very much.  I know this is an exciting time in your life..." Well, Dad, right back at you.  Life isn't the same without you.  And I love you so, so, so, so much.  Oh, to be able to tell you again, and to wrap my arms around you one more time...But I know this is such an incredibly exciting time in your life.  The best time. 

 Goodnight, Dad.  Your baby girl loves you!


1 comment:

  1. You get your beautiful way with words from your dad, Ashley. The past few weeks, I have been filled with anxiety and worry over the things that have been happening around us lately. Your words, and your dad's, are a reminder of who our cares really belong to.